08/28/2014 01:32 pm ET Updated Oct 28, 2014

In a Marriage You Can Allow Mistakes to Eat Away at the Foundation of Your Union or You Let Them Empower You


We all make choices. As I get ready to step into my 41st year on this planet -- and having spent 17 years of that time with my husband -- I can readily admit that some of the choices I've made during my marriage I do regret. But I do believe that all our choices, and how we deal with their aftermath -- are what defines the strength of our commitment to our spouses and the power of our marriage to bind us so that we can hang onto one another when the rest of the world falls away. Has my husband been that person I can cling to in the aftermath of a choice I made several years ago whose ripple effect is still permeating the fabric of my life? Yes.

My husband and I are polar opposites. We do not vent our frustrations or express ourselves in the same way. I do think with age comes a more mellow and less excitable nature -- but at 41 that sense of calm has yet to extinguish my fiery essence. I do know that I am NOT the same person I was a year ago, or even five years ago. I wouldn't want to be that person, but I also know that I needed every experience and mistake I've made as an individual and in my marriage to help guide and get me to the next stage of my life. I won't live with regrets and I also know that in holding a grudge the only person who suffers is me.

I know I am being kind of cryptic -- because I truly don't believe opening up a pandora's box of past things that were said and done are a good way to live my life. I like to focus on where I am in the here and now -- especially in my marriage. I think in that respect my husband and I are very much the same. We both know that we can't rewind the clock. We also think that in a marriage you can either let past mistakes slowly eat away at the foundation of your union or you can work as a team -- to be a united front and to allow those very same mistakes to empower you as a couple.

I think we all need to believe that the person with whom we share our every waking moment -- is our strongest supporter -- and would never forsake us -- and yes would even back us up when our actions were less than stellar. Because that is a marriage -- it is hanging in there with this other person and taking their hits -- because when your partner is pain -- you are overwhelmed by that very same pain. The burden of their pain is not theirs alone to carry -- as their partner you want to shoulder that pain because you are a team -- you are in this relationship to be their soft place to fall.

And so in the midst of my marriage and this most recent hurdle -- I am taking advice from this very sage saying and believing that what doesn't kill our union will ultimately make us stronger -- as individuals and as a couple.

"Life is like a camera; Focus on what's important. Capture the good. Develop from the negatives. When things don't work take another shot."

This post originally appeared on Married My Sugar Daddy.