08/29/2012 11:26 am ET Updated Oct 29, 2012

If You Have to Fight with Your Spouse NEVER Say These 4 Things

In a perfect marriage and a perfect world, my husband and I would never fight. If we found ourselves in the midst of a disagreement, we'd let cooler heads prevail. We'd take a deep breath, look into one another's blue eyes (yes we both have blue eyes) and realize whatever we were fighting about, in the face of our love and commitment to one another, didn't warrant butting heads.

Yet *sometimes* I've been known to let my evil side get the better of me. I've been known to succumb to the feeling of I-want-to-scratch-my-husband's-eyes-out-because-I've-just-asked-him-the-same-question-three-times. You know, the moment when, after the fourth time I've asked [read: screamed], he says, "I heard you, I'm just thinking of my answer." This interaction is almost always followed by a war of words.

But after 13 years of marriage, I've learned there are certain things one should NEVER say when one is in the throes of an anger-fueled argument with one's spouse.

Here are my top four:

  • #1 NEVER say to your wife: "You are acting like your mother." (It really doesn't matter whether her mother is bat shit crazy or normal -- most women never want to be characterized as their mother).
  • #2 Never say "I want a divorce"... unless you really mean it.
  • #3 Never say "I wish I never married you." Even if you can't see through your anger at this very minute, making that statement annuls all the wonderful things your marriage has yielded.
  • #4 Never say "I've always..." followed by anything derogatory (i.e. hated the way you dress, eat, smile, comb your hair). Talking in those kinds of terms is not you, it's the anger, and while you're at it, just strike the word "always" from your vocabulary!

So are there any things you've said to your spouse in the heat of an argument (that you're willing to admit) that you wish you could take back?

Melissa Chapman blogs about her marriage and everything in between at

She is currently a writer for Lifetime Moms and her work has appeared in The Staten Island Advance,, ABC News,BlogHer, Baby Center, Momtourage, Babble, The Washington Post, Time, Out NY Kids iVillage and The Staten Island Family.