12/04/2013 04:13 pm ET Updated Feb 03, 2014

An Open Letter to the Executives at Fisher-Price About the iPad Bouncy Seat

I'm writing to congratulate you on a remarkable achievement. You've done something that I didn't think was possible. You've created a baby product that is so terrible, so horrific, so eye-poppingly, jaw-droppingly, gut-wrenchingly awful that it's making those who learn about it weep for humanity.

I'm not exaggerating. My friend Amie sent me a link to Farah Miller's Huffington Post article about your product and asked, "Could it really be this awful of a world?"

Sadly -- with your introduction of the Apptivity™ Seat -- the answer is yes! It is so awful of a world, Amie!

Your product, the Apptivity™ Seat, looks like it was ripped from a page of The Onion. It's a bouncy seat for newborns and it comes with an iPad holder to "lock your iPad device inside the case to protect from dribbles and drool."

Let's be honest. It locks up the iPad to protect it from dribble and drool, but it also locks it up because newborns can't hold things in their little hands. That's the reason newborns make terrible bartenders and surgeons and airline pilots.

Not only can they not use their teeny-tiny hands, but newborns, those tricky little creatures, lack neck control. This evolutionary disadvantage makes it more difficult to sit them down in front of a television or a computer.

Well, I should say that it DID.

You folks at Fisher-Price have gotten around that problem -- an inability to hold up one's head -- with the Apptivity™ Seat, Apptivity™ Case and the Apptivity™ Gym. Lucky me and lucky mankind, it appears that you have a whole line of (trademarked!) Apptivity™ products. No neck control? No problem! It's not just the iPad that's locked up. It's the newborn as well!

In fact, I was wondering if that's why you called it an Apptivity™ Seat? Captivity + iPad apps = Apptivity™ Seat? I do hope you'll get back to me on that.

Now, I know that I sound like one of those parents. You know the type. The moms and dads who brag about not owning a computer, never allowing television and having no clue what a Kardashian is.

But that's not me! I let my children watch TV, play computer games and get their sticky and their drippy all over my iPad. Not all the time, but often enough. After all, what if a celebrity scandal develops and I need to learn about it in real time? Things happen, Fisher-Price!

But this Apptivity™ Seat? Oh my goodness. It's so bad, Fisher-Price! It really is. It's Robin Thicke-dressed-as-Beetlejuice-dancing-with-Miley-Cyrus-dressed-as-Chuck-E.-Cheese bad. It's awful. Speaking of Miley, I'm sticking my tongue out at your product. But not in a good way. (And, Miley's wasn't really in "a good way" either, but that's not the point.)

Because you know what, Fisher-Price? Sometimes the answer to, "Is there an app for that?" should simply be no.

(This post appeared on Mammalingo on December 4th.)