11/08/2012 02:24 pm ET Updated Jan 08, 2013

Post-Election Ideas for Updating Your Now-Lonely Facebook Page


The election is over, and there's a black hole that needs filling. Facebook pages all over this great land need updating. And not just any updates -- I'm talking about updates that make people sit up and take notice! Updates that take a stand! Updates that make your friends ask, "What?!" We need to get posting again, America. Don't have any ideas? Borrow some of these. Don't agree with them? Who cares! I don't either!

  • The clock in Goodnight Moon begins at 7:00 and ends at 8:10 p.m. This bedtime routine is too long! Please revise new editions, HarperCollins!
  • Redesign your product, juice box companies. Stop the splash!
  • "Like" if you agree that there is not enough adult supervision in cartoons! Just because they're animated characters doesn't mean they don't need loving homes.
  • Let our kids shine brighter on college applications! It's time schools added a letter grade higher than 'A.'
  • People aren't really using the term MILF anymore and that's a shame! Bring MILF back!
  • First it was pillows. Now blankets, sweatshirts and slippers are being turned into "pets." Let's tell big business to stop anthropomorphizing our kids' crap!
  • Do you want even more details about celebrity pregnancies? "Like" if you want gossip magazines to run ultrasound pictures!
  • The 'N' is getting lost when kids sing their alphabets. "L-M-N-O-P." Move the 'N' to the beginning of the alphabet.
  • No More Tears? Bull! My toddler is afraid of taking baths... period! The water alone makes him cry. Stop Johnson & Johnson from using deceptive advertising.
  • You can pull them up but you can't pull them down! Please, Huggies, make it easier to remove a Pull-up full of sh%t!
  • Our children need to eat healthier food. Introduce some vegetable flavors, Ben & Jerry's!