Vanity Fair runs its version of "The Proust Questionnaire" every month. By answering, participants often reveal a great deal about their true nature. Because I've wanted to better understand babies and toddlers for some time, I've asked a 1-year-old, 2-year-old and 3-year-old to answer questions from the survey.
ONE-YEAR-OLD
What is your current state of mind?
My mouth is killing me.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I just want my mouth to stop hurting.
What is it that you most dislike?
Teething. Have you ever witnessed a shark attack? That's what's happening. A shark attack... in my mouth. Please, excuse me a moment. [Jams fist in mouth.]
What do you most value in your friends?
I don't have any friends.
What is your most treasured possession?
I have two. My mother's breasts.
On what occasion do you lie?
Horizontally? I like to be nice and comfy when I nurse.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
It's a toss-up between my dad, my mom and the cute kid in the mirror.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd like to get the walking thing down.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Watch this! [Waves bye-bye.]
TWO-YEAR-OLD
What is your current state of mind?
I'm not taking a nap.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Pushing all of the buttons in the elevator.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Diapers. I can't even begin to tell you how many I go through a day.
What do you most value in your friends?
Their toys.
What is your most treasured possession?
All of them. They are all mine.
On what occasion do you lie?
I don't know if this is a lie -- but let's just say I don't exactly drop everything the moment I soil myself.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Why do you ask about changing myself? Do you smell something?
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I don't know about my greatest achievement, but I'll tell you what I did not just do. I did NOT just poop.
THREE-YEAR-OLD
What is your greatest fear?
Dogs, the dark, the orange cup, weird noises, getting shots, fireworks, babysitters, broken crackers, closed doors, and getting sucked down the bathtub drain.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
A need for privacy.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
It's a toss-up between patience, self-control, and good hygiene.
On what occasion do you lie?
I don't need a special occasion to lie.
What is your favorite occupation?
Dinosaur doctor.
What talent would you most like to have?
I'd like to reach high-up things.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I once drew a beautiful picture all over our sofa. If you look closely, you can still see it.
This post ran on Mammalingo on March 3, 2014.
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