01/02/2013 09:51 am ET Updated Mar 04, 2013

My New Year's Resolutions for 2013

I'm a very big believer in making a lot of New Year's Resolutions every year. I've been doing it since I was a little girl. And, guess what? I no longer wear diapers or lose my retainer at school -- so yes, I've actually stuck to some of them over the past few decades. This year is no different. I'm making a bunch of resolutions and I'm going to try my very best -- why would I lie to you? -- to keep ALL of them:

1. Appear naked on season two of "Girls."

2. Babysit for Kimye.

3. Record video talking and pacing on empty stage; upload it to YouTube; tell everyone I gave TED Talk.

4. Visit every person in school's alumni magazine who wrote "stop by and say 'hello' if you're in town."

5. Become Facebook friends with Ke$ha, the guy who played the older brother on "Blossom," and the Ikea Monkey.

6. Find out rejected names for the Diva Cup.

7. Track down and have drinks with person who coined term "love handles" because they seem optimistic and fun.

8. Stop always trying to keep up with the Kardashians.

9. Admit how much I hated the movie "Love, Actually" and see if I have any friends left.

10. Invent new emoticon to convey reaction to Stephen Dorff's electronic cigarette ads.

11. Get tattoo of my dreams: a brown freckle.

12. Bring back the Cabbage Patch. (The dance and doll.)

13. Quit oversharing with the cashiers at Trader Joe's.

14. Have dinner at the NYC diner where Tootie befriended a teenage prostitute on Facts of Life.

15. Get Tyra Mail.

16. Try this "yoga" thing everyone keeps talking about.

17. Attend bris of William and Kate's baby.

18. Convince Donald Trump to offer me $5 million for my birth certificate.

19. Depopularize "vajazzling."

20. Receive #FF from the Pope on Twitter.

21. Eat all of the remaining Twinkies.