08/12/2012 10:16 am ET Updated Oct 12, 2012

12 Very Important Questions I'd Love Answered

1. If you drive a car with a "My Kid's An Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker, do you need to carry proof?

2. What is it about getting into bed that makes children so thirsty?

3. Have toy manufacturers ever been to a grocery store? Do they know that eggs get around just fine without being wired to their cartons?

4. Do you think the person who invented glitter later came to regret it?

5. Is there an official government position on when you should stop referring to yourself in the third person ("Give Mommy the spoon") to your children?

6. Does the new baby smell have an expiration date?

7. Why are sailor suits for baby boys such a big thing? Is it because they swam around in amniotic fluid for nine months?

8. You know that terrible, silent pause a baby or toddler makes after they get hurt but before they begin crying? Does that pause just become a lot of swearing (@#%#!!!) when we become adults?

9. Does the American Academy of Pediatrics' recommendation that children limit screen time to under two hours a day have a clause for sick days, snow days or juicy celebrity scandals?

10. Do the people who say that the best cure for diaper rash is to let a baby run around without a diaper live in homes without carpets?

11. Why is it "don't make me count to three"? Why isn't it "four" or "five" so that we don't have to pause after "two" for such a long time?

12. If "in diapers" and "potty trained" are part of the popular lexicon, shouldn't there also be a pithy phrase to describe kids who can poop in the potty but need to be wiped by an adult?

(Some of these questions previously ran on the blog Mammalingo... but in Pig Latin.)