Yes I know, tonight is a night for polls. It's a night I like to watch white dudes in suits sitting and predicting the fate of our illustrious nation!
Did you vote today? And by vote, I mean remember that yours truly is live-bloggoramalamadingdongtallywagging your favorite show, featuring vajazzlers and guidos and people with lots of money, and also dates that involve cheese. MOZZARELL. (But srsly, I hope you voted, because it's very important.)
Instead of watching coverage, I am here, slogging away in my Victoria's Secret Pink jammiez (might I add that Bethenny Frenkel owns the exact pair, that she wore all the time while pregnant, womp) for all your reading pleasure. INSERT SENSA WEIGHT LOSS IN YOUR FACE ENDORSEMENT BY PATTI STANGER HERE (come on baby, I love you and all, but a weight-loss product as your first endorsement? Ill-advised.)
9:00: Patti tells women to go to Wall Street, alone. You better get your game on, or you're screwed. What if you're not into dudes who like banking and want a more artsy type? Hmm.
9:01: Jason, 31. Apparently loves dudes. Oh he's hot. Kind of a douchenug. What he wants - smart and junk in the trunk, those run together a lot. Often. Like Kim Kardashian. She's a brainiac.
9:03: David, 39, gay. Why does the announcement that he's gaaaaaaaaay require a singing voice? Critical, judgmental, sarcastic, ick.
9:06: Jason brought his friends. Omg, in this montage I went to that biergarten two weeks ago. #ffjd. Will date both religions, even though he is of the Hebrew persuasion.
9:09: David - he sort of looks like a house elf from Harry Potter. I feel like I should toss him a sock. Manorexia is addressed. This would not happen if it were a woman. Interesting.
9:15: Mancandy on parade! All of these men are hot and successful. Too bad they don't like me.
9:18: Now we're on the hunt for the Kardashian Kaboose. "You're too anorexic for him." Second EXTREMELY appropriate body comment.
It's sort of like trying to find meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
9:26: Meet the Millionaires - Jason can't make the moves without his broooooos. David - don't be wooed by mooooscles.
9:29: I enjoyed her behind. Sephardic Jew jokes from Dora the Explorer. Where's your backpack?
Obviously David's favorite restaurant is Waverly Inn. O RLY, they let you in? Are you sure you weren't forced to sit under the table while Harry and Hermoine had dinner instead and hung out with Kate Hudson?
9:32: Cristos & Oscar for David, Israeli Hot and Dancing Queen for Jason (because he can't remember their names.) Jason's main activity out of work: drinking.
David - Brooklyn to me is a long-distance relationship.
Israeli Hot and Jason - Two Shiksa-Looking People Who Are Actually Jews. Again, Jason likes to get drunk.
Oscar and David - Antiques Roadshow. This joke writes itself.
Jason picks Dancing Queen, David picked Brooklyn.
9:40: Patti time. Sometimes Patti's taste is slightly...strippah.
9:43: David takes his date shopping. YES PLZ.
9:45: Jason takes his date to a sushi joint. Sounds like an FFJD date to me. Uh oh, the latent alcoholism begins. And his friends are going to be there. Patti is going to MURDER HIM. I'm scared and hiding under the coffee table with the leftover Halloween candiez.
9:56: I hate people who hate people.
9:58: I can see the steam coming out of her ears. Smell ya lata, Jason.