09/01/2010 11:47 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fifty First (J)Dates: Rach, Rachy, Rachie, or Rachel?

If you're like me, you like lists. Lists for things you "need" to do, only sorta, so it's deeply gratifying to write them down anyway and cross them off. Manicures, Hanky Panky alignment by color, songs to download, and episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians to catch up on (but you can only watch so much coiffed dark brown hair and false eyelashes in one go) all fall under this category.

For one friend of mine, a pen and paper just wasn't cutting it, so he did what all serial daters do: Microsoft Excel.

The parentheticals are yours-truly.

"Let's be honest guys, when it comes to JDate, profile originality is not something women strive for (oh right, as if guys are original in their love of Foo Fighters, chinese food, and the gym.)

You all love your families. You were all in a sorority. You all studied abroad in Australia for a semester and can't wait for the day when you get to go back (it's funny, this is spot-on. Get me to Buenos Aires!) These are all things that for some reason or another, they feel are the most important things to put in there.

One thing they also seem to have in common is that THEY ARE ALL NAMED RACHEL.

There is a way to handle a man.

Microsoft Excel. Time to put it to use for something other than numbers and metadata. (No longer just for thankless jobs or making little pie charts about your favorite kinds of nuts. With 85% of that pie favoring cashews. I love cashews.)

First Column Header - Date

You need to know when you started talking to these girls. If you're like me, you give it a few weeks before you go out on that first date. (But don't wait too long or we get bored and annoyed!) You don't want to go out with a Rachel too soon. They're clingy. (Girls - we have our own gripes. Those Josh's are like effing koala bears. Get. Off. Of. Me.)

Second Column Header - JDate User Name

One thing that happens is Rachel sends you an IM on AIM (I guess he still uses AIM? Are you in 8th grade? "To the world you are one person but to one person you are the world" as your favorite quote?)

Which Rachel is this? Is this the really hot one or the one that's in law school? (Is she the one who loves traveling to exotic locales and sipping strawberry daiquiris with teeny weeny little umbrellas and oh look there's a picture of her on the beach in her swimsuit but its so far away you're not sure if that's her or a piece of seaweed?)

Third Column Header - Full Name

(Also, I guess sometimes you need a middle too, because there can be multiple Kaplans or Cohens.)

Fourth Column Header - Screen Name

Mixing up the Rachel's through their online identifier could get messy. Especially since all of their JDate screen names involve the word 'Rachie' in one form or another, mixed with some xoxo's. (Or QT or Sk8r Boi or something to that effect. I kid you not, my screen name in 6th grade was MNMQTPIE. I should be banished to the woods with Hansel and Gretel and forced to eat carbohydrates like gingerbread as punishment. Now it's better. It's Glittery87. Well, a little better.)

Final Column Header - The Rating

There's only room for one Rachel in this town. Use the three digit rating system. Looks, Personality, Sexiness. The closest to a 999 gets the first date, and then you go down from there.

(Objectifying you say? It's basically just like baseball stats. RBI's are important. Rachel's Batted In.)"