09/14/2010 11:40 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fifty First (J)Dates: Where to Meet Guys/Girls in Grad School

Back to school, back to school, to show to Daddy I'm not a fool and can do something with my life besides flip burgers but that wouldn't be so bad because I could eat unlimited fries and those yummy little apple pies that aren't apple pies but apple pie strips that are 99 cents each or two for a dollar. Logical.

This little ditty is for all of my friends who hate their lives and are in law school, business school, How To Be A Real Person school ("what, like it's hard?")

Meredith, how would you know where to meet guys and girls in grad school? Look, I emailed some friends slogging away in their L's (let's smoke a J with the 1Ls on the NRQW) and they had some ideas. And because I am enlightening your Monday morning and making you forget that summer is gone and your lunch today (do I want Craisins or Walnuts in my salad today? Both? Im going NUTS! Bad puns) is still 3.5 hours away. And you only have two pieces of Orbit left.

Everyone needs a little lovin', even if it's in a class about Torts. What are torts? Are they like tarts? Can you eat them? Can this be integrated into the general lexicon, as a happy alternative to totes?

"Drinks on Tuesday?"

-- "Oh sorry I can't i have to read 8245 pages before then and I have a date with that dorky 2L but we're going out for nice sushi so I figure I should just suck it up and go because my food isn't paying for itself and I have a hankering for spicy crunchy tuna and I'm splurging with extra spicy mayo."

"Agreed, torts."

So, read them if you're not blind from highlighting 773 pages of boring law text or doing some case study about Dial Soap or whatever you do when getting your MBA aside from trying to score a position in finance that doesn't exist anymore.

1. In the Library

You spend all of your time in here anyway, so you may as well be looking for someone to sit with in your collective misery. Cue romcom/Mary-Kate-and-Ashley-movie-montage of running through the stacks, laughing as law books tumble from the shelves and semi-crush you because they're thousands of pages long. You are on a ladder (do they have those? I've always wanted to swing around on one back and forth. So glad you came over to my giant library!) and you jump off as he catches you in his arms.

This is the point at which Mary Kate (for our purposes, they are "Katie-Rebecca and Yael") would find a fun outfit and then two adorable law students (how come they always meet hot pairs of boys? YOU HAVE STOLEN ANTIQUITIES) come over on their mopeds and they ride off with their perfectly crimped and highlighted hair circa 2002.

2. The Psychology Office.

Maybe you can swap general "crazy" to "crazy for each other." Because grad school can be stressful. Smooching relieves stress.

3. Undergrads.

They're nubile, they might be of legal drinking age, and they're going to think you're awesome. Because you're olderrrrrr and more mature. Older has nothing to do with more mature, but chicks think that. In fact, some of the least mature people I know are older. Whatever, this mostly only works for boys. I know my sorority repeatedly tried to have MBA mixers. Daring to dream, but never to execute. Le sigh.

4. Sectioncest.

This is tricky. You have to see these people every day, so choose wisely. It's sort of like dating someone on your Freshman Hall. There is the potential of brushing your teeth together in the co-ed bathroom, precious! There's also potential for banging down his door with your Swiffer because he brought home that stupid chick who lives in the Quad and thinks she's the cooooolest just because her Louis Vuitton keyring for her ID and dorm key has her initials on it.

5. Other graduate schools within your school.

MBAs - predominantly male. Go for the Social Work school, predominantly female. And vice-versa. Let me make some overarching gender generalizations. But, it's nice to step away from your blueberry Tort and see someone who focuses on learning how to properly clean teeth all day. Just pretend you're looking for a new dentist. "Excuse me, I know this is the dental library, but I got some Blood Orange Tort stuck in my new retainer. Why don't we go somewhere quiet and you can remove it for me? With your mouth."

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