10/18/2010 11:24 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Fifty First (J)Dates: (Witch)Crafting the Perfect Halloween Get-Up: A Primer.

It's on the (w)horizon. Halloweenie. It's time to find the perfect costume.

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and not because you get to dress like a floozy. But rather, because you get to eat a lot of candy. Not that you can't eat a lot of candy year-round, but there's something about candy pumpkins that aren't really candy or pumpkin, but rather little orbs of sugary crack, that make me love this holiday.

More important, is finding the perfect costume. It's like Cheri Oteri and Will Ferrell doing the "perfect cheer" for the chess tournament. But instead, you need the perfect ensemble to outshine every other slut and get that boy of your dreams, even if he's your cousin (ew Gretchen Weiners. But snaps on the Hanukkah plug.)

Here is some FFJD advice for finding the perfect combination of latex, spandex, and hotness.

1. Show the Perfect Amount of Skin.

Yes, on Halloween you can dress like a streetwalker and get away with it. I'm not sure why chicks have run with this, especially because it's always freezing on October 31. But, on Halloween you get to dress like you belong at Scores and it's completely socially accepted. (I'm glad I just looked up the Scores website. I am digging the muzak.)

However, you need to draw the line somewhere. You want your outfit to say "come hither" and not "put dollar bills in my g-string." Slutty priest: yes, and points for irony, slutty devil: no. Devils, angels, angely devils, and devils angels are off limits, because that is the easiest and dumbest thing to be. This also goes for cats, mice, leopards, or cheetahs. And maybe zebras.

2. Be Somewhat Clever.

Sometimes it's fun, in addition to wearing the teeny weeny slutty sailor shorts and little hat (unless you're like me, and your head is too big for standard Halloween costumes, sigh), to be clever with your costume. And yes, I've seen the whole "Freudian Slip" idea before. Points for timeliness, relevance, and originality.

3. Don't Choose Something Too Obscure Or Meta.

I'm not so happy that my unabashed idol Sloane Crosley is going as "Marcel the Shell with Shoes On." Sometimes, if you go too obscure, it's bad. Or in this case, you've given yourself the burden of trying to figure out how to fashion a dog out of lint.

Also - boys won't really get obscure costumes, they just want to see your belly button. So, just depends on your priorities. I was tossing around the idea of Taylor Momsen(and I'd need to find heels that allow me to put tips in them) but mostly I asked a few guy friends and they had no idea what I was talking about.

You're walking the line between hilarious meme and total confusion. I.E., no weird stuff that nobody gets, because you don't want to have to explain over the din of Deadmau5 at whatever club you're at or in between handfuls of mini kit-kats that you're actually Steve Colbert's one slightly-curved ear. (Who knew it rendered him deaf in one ear?) Anyway, it's just too inside.

4. Something You Can Pee In.

This is crucial for both boys and girls. If you're wearing a latex body suit that you could only wrench on in the horizontal position, with the help of two friends and the pizza guy down the street, it's gonna suck when you're three vodka sodas in. If you're a boy and wearing some giant bear costume, it's also hard.

So, just consider that.

5. Something that can be easily removed.

In the same vein, let's say you, Katy Perry on a cloud on the cover of Teenage Dream really hits it off with that paralegal from Emory dressed as Elmo. Which would be totally fitting.

Just keep in mind Elmo doesn't have opposable thumbs.

What are you going to be this Halloween? Put your ideas in the comments!


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