THE BLOG
12/21/2010 11:03 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Holiday Party +1

So it's that time of the year. "The most wonderful time of the year," according to xmas songs, but really you're just fucking freezing and buying out the entire CVS stock of furry socks, which are designed to repel men. They work wonders for my tootsies, and do nothing for my overall look. Anyway, you probably haz some holiday parties to attend: work, People Who Order Craisins At Chopt Holiday CraisinFest 2010, Barneys Insiders Who Spend Too Much Money Holiday Balenciaga Fete, etcetera. What do you do about the "plus one?"

Here are your options and potential ramifications/consequences:

1. Your boyfriend/girlfriend:

Here is the person who sees you naked 5+ days a week. Can they hang in an office environment with Karl the IT Weirdo who leers at you while sexually ingesting cheese poofs? I hope so.

It's so interesting to see the significant others of people you're in a work environment with. As in, your boyfriend is hot and now I think you're cooler. You're thinking it, come on. This is also an opportunity to see how well your significant other handles listening to inside jokes with your coworkers. Something about lighting the bathroom trash can on fire with some tampon joke snafu.

2. The friend:

Are you not really dating anyone? Or is your boyfriend annoying around groups of people he doesn't know? (Why are you dating him?) Sometimes it's fun to bring a friend. It's also fun to see people try and discern if you are a lesbian or not. Leave them guessing.

Friends are fun because they know that Alicia in sales has a heinous hair-twirling problem and she can finally see all your gripes in action. You can also not worry about mistakenly making out in front of your supervisor with Becca. Unless that's like a thing. In which case, no judgment.

3. The guy/girl you're hooking up with:

This can be dangerous territory. The "plus one" is a coveted spot, so be sure to assure the girl who is sort of homely but loves to drop trou that you just want someone to hang out with. Otherwise she's going to think she's your girlfriend.

This is also fun to introduce said hookup to your coworkers.

You: Hey Sara, this is Danny. Danny and I met in a bar, where I thought he was cuter than he actually was, but he's mostly just really attentive and brings me things so I'm keeping this going for a while until I get bored with him or meet someone more attractive.

What you actually said: Um this is Danny.

Sara: How do you two know each other?

You: You know, around. :: Danny gazes lovingly with spinach in teeth ::

4. Flying solo.

You don't have to babysit, but people might think you're a loser. Also, you're a free agent to pick off the hot friend of Gail from Admin.

Just be sure to walk entirely in to the coat check room before dress removal. But then again, maybe your boss should commend you on your ability to match your bra and underwear.

______

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