06/01/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

10 Reasons To Believe That The World Actually Did End When Health Care Passed

If you listen to the god-fearing, unreconstructed defenders of American exceptionalism, then you already know that world ended when health care reform (however flawed) passed. But if you're like me, then you have likely been confused by the fact that life after the apocalypse seems very similar to the situation before. No doubt that's because our crypto-Muslim, Kenyan born President is crafty!

Don't be fooled. The world did end. Following are the ten 'proof points' that prove that our days did indeed end.

1. Nancy Pelosi summonsed demonic power in order to 'herd cats', also known as the House Democratic Caucus.

2. Rush Limbaugh said he would leave the country if health care reform passed. He didn't. It's inconceivable that Mr. Limbaugh would lie unless darker forces were at work.

3. Hillary Clinton appeared positively Reaganesque by negotiating the biggest reduction in nuclear weapons with Russians in two decades.

4. Michael "Stalin" Steele distinguished himself from other Republican leaders meeting in Los Angeles by not using GOP money to enjoy adult, erotic, simulated lesbian bondage entertainment.

5. Barack Obama made "Drill Baby Drill" his own, proving that he likes swing voters just as much as Republicans do.

6. Sarah Palin, America's sweetheart, campaigned in Arizona for Senator John McCain against a Tea Bagger. Mostly, she used the occasion to trot out that classic joke, "How old is John? John is so old..."

7. Cardinal Ratzinger (aka The Supreme Pontiff) took a page from the 'winning' Republican playbook and blamed the liberal media for his current plight. (Liberal media is roughly defined as a reporting organization that writes/broadcasts something that the subject of the story finds distasteful.)

8. Thomas Jefferson was demoted by the Texas School Board for being insufficiently Christian and American. (Jefferson supported the separation of church and state.)

9. Robert Gates changed, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to "Don't Care, Particularly If You Speak Arabic, Dari or Pashto." Remarkably, our troops continue to fight.

10. The ghost of Henry Ford gets to disrespect Kichiro Toyoda. Toyota may be the biggest car company in the world, but Americans aren't afraid of their Fords.