Ask Michael Cohen: How to Deal With a Shade of Grey

You should be happy your penis is doing double duty. Most men complain that their sex life is lackluster at best, something I can assure you breeds infidelity.
06/04/2012 10:35 am ET Updated Aug 04, 2012

Ever since my wife has read the "50 Shades of Grey"" books she has been acting completely out of character. Our sex life has gone from normal to kinky and while I certainly do appreciate getting laid as often as I did during my college days, the antics seem quite contrived. I feel like I am being fed porn lines by her and she has a whole new wardrobe for the bedroom. How do I tell my wife that all of this doesn't turn me on and I'd like my girl back? Jason B, Baltimore, MD

You should be happy your penis is doing double duty. Most men complain that their sex life is lackluster at best, something I can assure you breeds infidelity. However, I totally understand your point about this menacing book that's awakened suppressed sexual fantasies in mommies and housewives across America and brought out their inner-whore just like that stripper pole dancing fad a few years ago. Just so you know, you are not the only husband going through this.

Don't deny your wife her fantasies. Instead, get into her head space (literally) and have a conversation about it. Let her know you've been taken aback by all this behavior but that you do want to please her. Then, plan it out like a sex date, which you sort of have to since there seems to be staging, acting and accessorizing involved. When you are in the moment, really go there. Don't just give her grey -- give her every color of the rainbow, if you know what I mean.

Also, it is very important that you keep your regular sex life going strong. Maybe you might want to amp that up and show your wife that nothing beats really intense vanilla sex.

I'd like to get straight to the point. My sister-in-law is a total bitch and it's making me crazy. She is one of these little sister types that feels no girl is good enough for her big brother. Even though we dated for six years and have been married for four, she still alludes to my past as a wild girl and still questions my behavior today. She does it at inappropriate times in an effort to embarrass me even further. The latest happened at a family gathering over Memorial Day and I'm at wits end on how to handle her without involving my husband. Name Withheld Due To Better Judgment

It's time to power her down. Two can play this game and here are the rules. Don't involve your husband or his family. This is between you and your sister-in-law and involving the family is a recipe for a messy dish. Remember blood is thicker than water, which may answer why your husband doesn't seem to have -- the balls to handle the situation and tell his sister to keep a civil tongue in her head. Just sayin.

The next time, she starts getting cute with you and I don't care if it's you two alone or with others, simply say with a smile, "that was 10 years ago, old news," with a curious look on your face as to why this poor fool would keep talking about something from a decade ago. Then admire your courage for handling this yourself and redirect the conversation to something relevant. Don't let her throw you off track. Think of her like a puppy, they only learn from repetition. Until she grows up and learns the difference between hurtful gossip and conversation and until your husband takes a stand on this offensive behavior, my guess is you'll be doing this pretty often. Stay strong.

I live in a small luxury co-op in Manhattan and a nymphomaniac has invaded it. Every night my neighbor, I still can't tell which one, is having loud, wall-banging, screaming sex during the night. This is impossibly rude and I'm so angry. I would also like to get a good night's sleep again. I was thinking of leaving a note in the elevator to ask this mystery person to tone it down. What are your thoughts? Miriam F, New York City

First, sorry that you still live in a co-op and are you sure you aren't a wee bit jealous? I am. But let's not digress. As for your note in the elevator, absolutely not. It shouldn't be used for a public witch-hunt. However, it is time for you to play sleuth and find the source of this sex-fest. Is it above you, two floors below or on the same floor? Once you find your naughty neighbor, slip a note under her door asking her to significantly lower the sounds of her sex sessions. Do mention that it is a courtesy note and that you hopefully won't have to take the matter any further and see, or shall I say hear, what happens next.

If this fails, turn the matter over to the co-op's Board who, I imagine, will undoubtedly take great joy in this complaint because hello, everyone likes a good sex story. And, news flash, considering the all-night sex sessions, your neighbor may be more than a nymphomaniac.