02/28/2014 03:48 pm ET Updated Apr 30, 2014

Ask Michael Cohen: 10 Old-school Nancy Drew Clues You're Dating a Jerk

The reason everyone thinks that gay guys are uh, a bit promiscuous, is because we are gay. That's not actually how it works. It's because we are horny men scared of our emotions, which leads us to do awful, awful things.

So, when my girlfriends come to me for advice about the guys they're dating, I don't advise them from a gay point of view: I come from my straight guy "Mike" perspective, just like the guys making them insane.

Here is some real simple advice taken from outtakes over some of my recent conversations during cocktails:

Girlfriend: "It's weird. I always hear from him during the week, but come the weekend, he's no where to be found."

Me: "Oh no, you got it twisted. He's not MIA. He's either NFL, NBA, or in somebody else's bed. Yeah, that's the way it goes. It's all about pattern. If someone breaks theirs, they are up to no good."

Girlfriend: "We never go out. We always order in."

Me: "You might as well be dating the Chinese food delivery man. At least you'll both get a tip."

Girlfriend: "I haven't met any of his friends yet."

Me: "Right, because a) he thinks of you as a f*ck buddy b) you're not really dating or c) you're a dirty little secret. Whatever it may be, it's strange because when you're into the other person you want everyone to meet them."

Girlfriend: "I think he drinks a lot."

Me: "Have you met yourself lately? I'd probably have to drink a lot to be around you too, especially when you're acting crazy like this. Maybe he does have a drinking problem or maybe he just has a problem with you. I do know if he doesn't behave the same way when he's sober, let's get you another martini and think about that..."

Girlfriend: "After 10 p.m. his phone goes to voicemail."

Me: "Please tell me you aren't sending crazy texts in succession such as:
Are you there?
Hello? Guess not.
Okay sleep well ☺.
He is blowing you off. Get a hold of yourself. Our phones are with us 24/7. Unless he works the night shift, I'd say he's working his remote control or another girl. I have only one question for you, 'Do you always smile at someone that tells you to f*ck off?'"

Girlfriend: "He told me I'm needy."

Me: "You're needy because you are acting horribly insecure and nagging him. Stop, with this. Let him chase you. That's what guys are supposed to do... hunt."

Girlfriend: "Do you think I should ask him, 'Where is this relationship going?'"

Me: "If you have to ask that, it's going nowhere. Guys don't say, 'Oh I'm so glad you asked me that because I wanted to tell you this is really going somewhere.' Let the relationship unfold on its own."

Girlfriend: "He tells me I'm the one. But we only went on three dates. Not sure what I think about that."

Me: "That's a full-on lunatic. Unless it's love at first sight, which it doesn't seem to be, something isn't right with that guy. He's more than likely a serial dater and a heart breaker. Skip. Proceed to your next OkCupid date."

Girlfriend: "He keeps talking about his mom and he hopes that she approves..."

Me: "What a jerk. Making you live up to mommy standards. Does he want to sleep with his mom? Only boys that are emotionally stunted pull this card. You need a man."

Girlfriend: "I slept with him. But it was our second date. Was that bad?"

Me: "Really, are you really asking me this question? When a guy meets a girl he's thinking, 'Could this be the mother of my children?' Never sleep with a guy the first, second or third date. Don't get fooled with the false power of making a man cum. On the fourth date, let him go down on you first. He has to earn a really good blow job."

Did I forget any clueless comments? Leave your opinion below or if you need to decipher 'guy code,' write me at If it takes a few days to answer, please don't ask me:
Where have you been?
Did you get my email?