08/03/2012 12:23 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Ask Michael Cohen: Why You Should Open the Drawers

The other day I had a big surprise, literally. I have been staying at my girlfriend's place and I opened up her bedside drawer and found a bunch of dildos. Not that I mind, but they are a lot bigger than my own penis and one of them was black. I'm a nicely hung white guy, but these dildos really blow me out of the water. I really want to ask her about her dildo collection but I feel like I peeped where I should not have and I'm working through the fact that maybe I am inferior. Please, tell me what to do, Mike.

-Raymond R, Miami, FL

You referred to me as "Mike.'" Did you know that's my straight moniker? I swear. Anyway, I've had my fair share of experiences with dildos. When I was 21 and presumably much more desirable than I am at 40 (at least that's what my vain mind tells me), I met this ridiculously hot 35-year-old stud. We went back to his house and he flipped over onto his stomach faster than a hot cake. When I explained that I was a newly-minted gay and in no way, shape or form was there to be any penetration, he responded, "no problem!" He then, like an ape, reached under his bed and lifted up a Prada shoebox full of dildos in all shapes, sizes and colors. "Choose one," he said, as if I was dipping into a bag of Scrabble letters.

Then I thought about it. Was this really such a bad thing? He wanted to get his fill that night and really, that's what a dildo is for. It's an emotionless penis, which is sometimes just what the doctor ordered. It didn't work for me because I think nothing beats the real thing, but that's another conversation.

Don't get caught up in the color (are you really going to pull the racist card with a dildo?) the size, shape, voltage or whatever doesn't matter, either. She's doing her thing when you aren't around and, hello, be glad it's not with a real guy. However, and you may not like this, you could bring up a non-accusatory conversation by letting her know you inadvertently found her love drawer and just talk about it with no expectations or preconceived notions and please, don't discuss your feelings of inferiority. It's not a contest.

I just had my year anniversary at a public relations agency here in New York City. I have been working harder than I have ever worked and I'm doing really well scoring major placements for clients. Everyone seems to love me except the one person that seems to matter -- my boss. Personally, I think she has something against me and threatens that any little flaw she considers I've committed is going in 'my file.' I have no idea what she's talking about half the time, but I feel like a storm is brewing and I'm not sure what to do? Stay put, look for another job or battle her?

-Name Withheld

I am sharing a lot of my personal life in this column because my advice, served with a twist, comes from my many personal experiences, which brings me to my first job out of college. I meant to send a co-worker an email calling my boss a dumb bitch. Instead, I sent it to my boss. While she seemed more upset that I called her 'dumb' rather than a 'bitch', she promised she wouldn't tell human resources. Bitch, please. I went to work on a Saturday and found a copy of the email in my employee file. I was fired a week later. By the time that happened, I had already packed up all of my personal possessions and walked out of the office with a severance check. I then walked over to Louis Vuitton and bought a bag with the said check. I still remember that day and it felt really good because I was ready and you will be, too, if you take my advice.

I don't condone what may be called 'sneaking around,' but if you suspect your boss is building a case against you to be fired, do your homework and prepare yourself. Perhaps you can do a little 'investigation' of your own to find out whether there really is anything in your file or whether she uses this to exert her control over you. She may be trying to keep you off-balance so that you don't do so well that you become a threat to her position -- I've seen this happen, too. Or, if you want, bring it on. Sit down with your boss and ask her to show you the file she keeps threatening you with. You can try and correct all of the problems she has with you, but let's keep it real... you are probably in a losing battle.

As for the idea of looking for another job, absolutely yes. Make a fabulous digital file of your placements, your extraordinary work and find yourself a place and position where you are respected and appreciated. Life is too short to have a bitchy, mean-spirited boss.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. This past week I stayed over at his place even though he wasn't there because it was more convenient for a work assignment. While I was there, I noticed I had a strange feeling. I was scared to open his drawers because I was nervous as to what I might find. I'm not sure what this is about but the question I have is, after all this time, why should I be afraid to find out what's behind door number three?

-Sebastian S, Los Angeles, California

I'll tell you why you should be afraid. Door number three or these drawers you speak of are really scary to open. This sounds so Wisteria Lane, but often our dirty little secrets are tucked away in our drawers. But seriously, I suffer from the same problem you have. In fact, sometimes when I'm dating a guy, I'm afraid to even look at his counter tops. This is something I'm working on, but lets get down to what this is really about.

Like you, I suppose you have been really hurt when you've opened up someone else's drawers, but it's part of the journey of finding the right one. The one where there are no surprises, where everything has already been laid out, pardon the pun, on the table.

Obviously, you and your boyfriend have a level of trust. You are staying at his home without him there. Go ahead and have that pajama party for one and open up every single drawer in the house while listening to Madonna and drinking tons of wine. What could be the worst thing you can find? A dildo like poor Raymond from question number one? Big deal. You'll probably find what everyone else has in their drawers -- socks, underwear and a book they have been meaning to read since last year. Hopefully, in your case, you'll find a Xanax to calm yourself down after your wild party. But I promise you won't need it.

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