12/15/2014 01:20 pm ET Updated Feb 14, 2015

PR Guru Schools Hollywood Moguls on Email Fallout


Last week, hackers published email exchanges between Sony Pictures co-chair Amy Pascal and movie producer Scott Rudin that insulted Hollywood royalty. Angelina Jolie? She's a "minimally talented spoiled brat." Leonardo DiCaprio's behavior? "Despicable." Pascal and Rudin joked that President Obama probably favored such movies as "Django Unchained," "12 Years a Slave," and anything featuring Kevin Hart, a black actor-comedian referred to -- in a different email -- by another Sony exec as a "whore."

After the discovery, Pascal and Rudin got busy apologizing to anyone who would take their calls. Meanwhile, a group of top Tinseltown producers and studio execs retained the world's top crisis management guru -- a man known only by his acronym, "TWTCMG" -- to create a plan for handling revelations sure to come from their own nasty emails.

Here is TWTCMG's plan, in the form of an email which was hacked and immediately published by Sticky-Shrieks, a short-lived guerilla website whose URL has mysteriously disappeared.

Dear Mogul,

Let's get real. No matter what I say, you will continue to make racist, sexist, homophobic and otherwise offensive comments in your emails; and sooner or later, those comments will see the light of day.

I say this because you are narcissistic and quite possibly sociopathic (I'm not judging!). And because you are ruthlessly competitive, you're surrounded by sycophants, and you have "fuck you" money. Nastiness is in your nature (cf. the fable The Scorpion and the Frog, as told ad nauseam in so many of your movies).

My plan obviates the need for piecemeal apologies like the ones we're seeing from Amy; what could be worse than admitting you called Al Sharpton to "begin a healing process"? Remember: Every minute spent apologizing is a minute that could be spent insulting the person you just slept with and/or making more money.

Simply insert the following disclaimer at the end of every email you send. This will permit you to rant freely -- to "be here now" with your venom -- without the specter of ex post facto groveling hanging over your keyboard.

"If you feel that you may have been offended by anything in this email, whether or not it was sent directly to you, I hereby apologize to you -- for all time, at any time and from time to time on this planet and throughout the known universe -- for any offense you may feel you have felt.

"Further, I hereby pledge that whatever you may have read that I may have written that may have offended you, it was not the real me who wrote that. It was a different me trying to be funny. It's also a totally different me from the me who decides what comedies get financed and green lit. That me knows what's funny and what isn't!

"If you still feel offended after reading this, you are being reactive and oversensitive. That's on you!"

The next time one of your adolescent missives is hacked, simply refer the press, the blogosphere and the Twitterverse to that disclaimer. It speaks for itself.

A final cautionary note: Do not under any circumstances say or write any variation of the sentence, "I don't have a racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, or ageist bone in my body." And for J.J. Hunsecker's sake don't even think about saying that some of your best friends are black, gay, old, poor, or female. Everyone knows narcissistic movie moguls with fuck you money don't have friends.

Best Always,