03/08/2012 05:43 pm ET Updated May 08, 2012

Limbaugh's Legacy: How to Say You're Sorry When You're Not

Rush Limbaugh will no doubt survive the outcry and ad cancellations over his vile comments about Sandra Fluke. Some observers figure that his 20-plus attacks on an innocent woman will simply make him more popular among his troglodytic fans, for whom ungentlemanly behavior is simply evidence of political courage. Others say he'll never again be able to even pretend to be a power player in conservative circles and still others, thoughtful conservatives, say he's never been much more than a Jester anyway.

During a long career of hurling insults at various men, women and children, Limbaugh has "apologized" only a handful of times. Yet perhaps his true legacy will lie in his illumination of the many ways to say you're sorry when you're not.

Here are 15 Rush-inspired non-apology apologies, plus a bonus track not available elsewhere. Many come from the Fluke debacle, others from previous brouhahas. I apologize in advance for any deviations from Limbaugh's actual words -- like Rush says, I'm just trying to reveal the absurd with absurdity.

1. I never said that.
2. I said that but I didn't mean it.
3. I said it and I meant it, but I used two inappropriate words.
4. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
5. Can't you take a joke?
6. Liberals do it way more than I do.
7. Rappers do it way, way more than I do.
8. The media do it way, way, way more than I do.
9. I only did it because, just this once, I descended to the level of my enemies.
10. I'm fatigued. I'm tired.
11. I didn't mean those personal insults to be taken personally.
12. I'm just an entertainer.
13. I'm just a harmless, lovable little fuzzball.
14. It wasn't me. It was the Oxycontin.
15. Sandra should thank me -- she'll come out of this with a book deal, maybe even a movie.

And the bonus track:
All I was trying to do with my comments about Ms. Fluke was to give my listeners -- who let's face it, are basically a bunch of horny white guys -- a sexual thrill.

To paraphrase the old slogan from Love Story, "Rush means never having to be sorry, even when you say you are."