03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

It's Not Easy Off The Green

Forbes' first billionaire athlete is joining the ranks
The tabloids have something for which to give thanks
He'll need more than a sand wedge to escape from this trap
Seems we've discovered his true handicap

At first blush, this appeared to be rather benign
He was given four points and a de minimis fine
Poor guy, it seemed, had a spell of bad luck
He damaged a hydrant, and smashed up the truck

His spouse took a nine iron to his Escalade
Let's not get excited; it was really quite staid
Net-net was a 'careless driving' citation
None knew at that point of his illicit relation

Then came the mea culpa heard round the world
White flag of surrender, sans fanfare, unfurled
After days of seclusion, he finally emerged
"Transgressions" -- with luck -- expeditiously purged

More would, however, soon be revealed
To temptation, we've learned, even he had to yield
A young waitress in Vegas (talk about twenty one!)
Who eventually provided the real smoking gun

His voicemail to her has been shared with us all
Who has, by now, not heard that call?
Please do me a solid! Take your name off the phone!
By then, it appears, his cool fully blown

The man who always shot under par
In other arenas, thought himself quite a star
"I will wear you out," his text reportedly read
Mobile device helped lure his intended to bed

Linked to a New York hostess too
Though she's denied it, may turn out to be true
The Enquirer might just be taken to court
On their salacious affair, it chose to report

Lawyered up and ready to spar
In her corner, an esteemed member of the bar
Ms. Uchitel now in an unenviable spot
A "home wrecker" she cries she is not

Rumors abound of their coupling down under
The media poised to expose yet another blunder
It's been printed she was paid a hefty sum
To ensure that about this she will keep mum

While our linksman has a knack for avoiding the rough
Placating his wife may prove a bit tough
Would an eight-carat ring, à la Kobe Bryant
Make this Swedish beauty a bit more compliant?

On the table seems to be a fair quid pro quo
She gets five mil if she agrees not to go
Multiply that by eleven if she stays two years
He'll rewrite the prenup and sign (through his tears)

In sum, for this Tiger things aren't going so Gr-r-reat!!!
One can only have faith this storm will soon abate
Didn't quite come out swinging, as he does on the tour
Where he's more skilled at ducking when someone yells "FORE!"