03/16/2011 01:28 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Newt 2012: I Cheat, Therefore I Am (a Patriot)

There was once was a fellow named Newt
Who gave his first two wives the boot
He spoke for the House
While he lied to his spouse
Seems he just couldn't keep on his suit

Claimed "this country" has caused him to stray
(Though his sweetheart was not Fannie Mae)
'Twas his love for our nation!!
(Newt, try masturbation)
Boehner's thrilled that at least he's not gay

No Georgian would call him a peach
(Pair of marital contracts in breach)
Against Clinton he railed
Contempt blatant, not veiled
He don't practice what he likes to preach

To the White House he'd like to ascend
Crude behavior he'll have to amend
He caused a kerfuffle
He's got to reshuffle
Has affairs to which he must attend

His committee will start to explore
(Were he female, they'd call him a whore)
He sure likes to play
And now he will pray
For a taste of the sweet days of yore

"I worked far too hard!!" he has said
Guess his job was to use his (small) head
His wife suffered from cancer
Divorce was his answer
With his mistress he frolicked in bed

But said mistress (soon wife number two)
Was just one in a very long queue
Good ol' boy didn't stay
Yet again went astray
As he slipped out, he bid her "Adieu!"

Deftly moved on to wife number three
(Over two decades younger than he)
Begged God to forgive
Let's live and let live!
Making proud the gang down on Street "C"

So what, finally, are we to do
(Betcha Bill Maher just might have a clue)
With a guy who's a pig
Wants the President's gig
And gets hot for the Red, White, and Blue!