01/11/2013 02:55 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Confessions of a Fear Dealer (A Fable... A Dream... A Fiction?)

The below came to me in a dream...


I am a fear dealer. I sell human-hunting machines. I am very good at what I do. I give fear away for free to people via multiple channels, and when they are scared enough, these people will buy my human-hunting machines. Now, this debate regarding gun control has quickly run down a very slippery slope, and I am not pleased. What started with an inconvenient tragedy of historical proportions -- a massacre of pure innocents by a trained and cold-blooded individual using one of my human hunting machines -- has lead to an awakening by the American people that maybe, just maybe, this country may have made it way too easy for unstable people to hunt humans. Who could have known?

A few weeks of mourning, a few weeks of silence, and then, as everyone expected, I went into action. Thinking that this was just a run of the mill massacre, I gave my stand-by arguments -- my machines are just that -- machines! They are inanimate objects! Shouldn't we be blaming other inanimate objects, like movies, TV, and video games? When that didn't work, I tried to redefine what is or is not a human-hunting machine. See this thing-a-ma-bob, it only shoots x amount of bullets at a time, not xx like a "real" human-hunting machines. Finally, I ended with the idea of human-hunting machine deterrence -- if everyone has one of my human-hunting machines - then there will be no more violence -- because somehow, mass murderers respect the principle of mutually assured destruction. These arguments had all worked before, and soon, I thought, people will go back to their daily lives, and I can go back to giving away my fear and selling my machines.

But the people had had enough, and began to demand that we examine our current relationships with my human-hunting machines, and what we can do as a nation to prevent people from using them to do what I designed them to do -- hunt humans.

I, the fear dealer finally felt what I've fed on for years in others -- fear. Could this be the end of my business model? I've given away so much fear, I think it's only natural to expect a return on my investment. What will I do?

Of course I had the answer - give away more fear. So you see, not only need to fear the unwashed hordes invading your home to rape and pillage. And no, your wounding/defensive machines are not good enough, you will only be safe if you have my human-hunting machines. Not only do you need to fear lone wolf killers who are, coincidentally, only a danger because they have attained one of my human-hunting machines, but ladies and gentlemen, you need to fear your government. Didn't they tell you your president was a communist? An African-born swindler who is looking to take down this great country to appease his Muslim overloads?

Didn't they tell you that the country is only moments away from complete economic collapse, and that the social fiber that once built this nation is crumbling? Didn't they tell you the baser elements of our society -- people who once knew their place in the pecking order -- now think they deserve everything you have and will use the government -- not for a chance to earn it themselves - but to take it directly from you? Well if they haven't, let me tell you what website to go on and what radio program to listen to, and you'll learn about it. And don't listen to anyone else because they are the "lame stream" media who doesn't care about this country like you do. They aren't as American as you -- See? We have more flags...

You need to be afraid, because the government will take these lovely machines I've sold to you. Hold them. Feel them. Don't they make you feel powerful, like the boogie man and his army will never hurt you? Don't believe that they only want my state of the art human hunting machines, they want all of them. They will knock on your door and take away the one thing I have sold to you that will protect you from the communist, Muslim swindler and his hordes of unwashed takers. You are the last hope. You are the line in the sand against the end of civilization that you know and love.

Cue flags...

You can stop this from happening. Buy my human-hunting machines. Listen to more radio -- but only the "real" American ones. Donate to the causes and politicians that will keep me in business, and if they have a change of heart -- well, walk around town with one of my Human hunting machines to show you mean business. Do you want to sit next to my celebrity talking head -- there is a price of course, but he'll be sure to fill you up with as much fear as you'd like all night.

You know what you have to do -- buy my machines, listen to my shows, donate to my campaigns. Every time you give me money, I'll give you more fear -- for free.

And what happens when you are so full of my fear you can't take it anymore? When you see unwashed hordes behind every bush and takers at every corner and devils in the White House, and you decide to take matters into your own hands with the human-hunting machines I sold you? Well, I've thought of that. You'll just become another reason why others should own my human-hunting machines. See? I told you I was good at what I do.

Beware the one who profits from fear.