THE BLOG
12/12/2014 07:36 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

7 Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Penis

'Tis the season for showing how much you care about the dude down there. Instead of showing him off on the hookup apps, why not spend a little quality time making his life better? Here are seven great ideas that will make Mr. Happy even happier:

1. Make him stronger.

Other than dating Nick Jonas, there is only one scientifically accepted way of firming up erections and experiencing more powerful orgasms: Kegel exercises. The problem is that the squeeze-hold-release movements are boring, and you have to do hundreds at a time. But now there's a more fun and effective way to strengthen pelvic floor muscles: a device called the "Private Gym." It's like weight training for your penis. You strap on the FDA-registered resistance ring onto your erection and do Kegels with progressively heavier magnetic weights. The result? Stronger pubo-rectal muscles that provide intense contractions during orgasm, not only giving you more pleasure but gaining distance when you, ahem, stick the landing. They even provide you with an interactive DVD program and training manual of different exercises you can do to keep it interesting. Now hit the floor and give me 20 pushups with that anaconda!

2. Get him the ultimate dick pic.

Did you know that your penis is twice as long as you think it is? That's because almost half the length of the penis is tucked up inside the pelvis. Want to see proof? Click here to see MRIs of erect penises. Note the curved, boomerang shape -- and the arched eyebrows of your friends when they see your MRI framed over the fireplace. "What the hell is that?" they'll ask. And you'll respond with 100-percent accuracy when you say, "Proof that I'm hung like a bear."

3. Be sensitive about his gargantuan size.

If you don't know how, then read Dr. Richard Jacobs' hilarious book How to Live With a Huge Penis. This book had me at "heller" when it claimed endowed men suffer from "oversized male genitalia," or "OMG." With chapters like "Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family," you'll find yourself saying exactly that: O-M-G. Of course, the real reason to own the book isn't what's in it but what people will say when they see it. Strategically place a few copies on the coffee table and you won't be able to resist saying, "That's the fifth guy I've dated who bought me that book!"

4. Give him the illusion of gargantuan size.

Ever notice that everybody's penis looks bigger than yours? That's because you're looking straight at theirs but down at yours. Angles make a difference. If you want to get a better indication of the size, don't look down; look in the mirror. And while you're there, grab a pair of blunt-end nail scissors and start hacking away at your underbrush. Manscaping around the base of your penis instantly adds an "optical inch" to your length. This is truly the only penis-enlargement trick that can make your manhood look the size of the Florida panhandle.

5. Give him a dickish doppelganger.

The ultimate exercise in narcissism isn't selfies; it's pleasuring yourself with a vibrator made out of an exact replica of your penis. The "Christmas Willy Kit" puts megalomania on notice by making an exact replica dildo of your penis and turning it into a multi-speed vibrating adult sex toy. In light or dark flesh colors, you can order it with a personalized message. ("To my awesome boyfriend. Now you can have me even when you go away on business.") You'll also have a gem of a reply the next time somebody tells you to "go fuck yourself": "Again? I'm a little sore from last night!"

6. Make him tell the truth.

Men always lie about size. Why do you think we came up with maps that associate an inch with a mile? Here's how urologists do the measuring: Get undressed in room temperature. ("Shrinkage" will occur if it's cold.) Use a cloth ruler. (They're better at measuring curvatures.) Lie on your back and start where the base of your penis meets your stomach. (Do not start from the back of your scrotum. Nobody includes the basement when they quote the height of a skyscraper!) Round up to the nearest centimeter, not the nearest foot. While you're down there, you may as well get some play time in. But read sex educator Paul Nelson's advice for getting more out of self-pleasuring. His advice? Stop doing it as if you were a 13-year-old.

7. Make him look younger.

Getting older means getting grayer. If you're the one who hit the switch when God said, "Let there be light," you might want to consider coloring the hair down there. But don't use the stuff you'd use to color the hair on your head; they often contain ammonia and other irritants that could do serious damage to the sensitive skin around the genitalia. Use Betty Color instead. It's the only mass-market coloring especially designed for pubic hair. One good coat will take 10 years off your penis.

Michael Alvear is the author of the gay sex bestseller How to Bottom Like a Porn Star.