THE BLOG
10/02/2014 04:24 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

No, I Don't Have a Dick Pic, and Here's Why My Dignity Is Still Intact

Last week Noah Michelson, Executive Editor of HuffPost Gay Voices, wrote a blog post called "Yes, I Have a Dick Pic, and Here's Why I'm Not Ashamed of It."

Noah, you made some interesting points about nudity and prudishness, but come on. The dating and hookup apps are so filled with penis pictures that they make one long for face pics the way diabetics long for insulin. And you want more of that, in the name of "liberation"? You practically challenged gay men to take and send pictures of their prized possession. That's like the mayor of a flooded town demanding more water.

You write, "I firmly believe that if we started owning up to taking nude photos of ourselves ... there would be a lot less stigma surrounding having and sharing them." Please. You know what would reduce stigma? People owning up to who they are by showing their face instead of hiding behind their penis or sphincter. You know what I firmly believe? That there's a time and a place for everything, including dick pics, but sending them to somebody who didn't ask to see them is not one of them.

I wonder why you need to prove so publicly that you are "unambiguously ... a sexual person." Doesn't that come with the territory of being human? Don't we all assume that other people are at least as much sexual beings as we are?

As I said before, there is a time and a place for everything. Showing off your penis is terrific -- when you're in the privacy of your own house, at a nude beach or nude gathering, having sex, giving a lap dance or in any other relevant context. But sending or posting nude pics so that people who didn't ask for them are forced to see them? Would you walk into a gay bar and shake your penis at everybody who walked by? Do you go to parties, pull a stranger aside, and show him your dick pics?

If you think your right to expose yourself matters so much, then why didn't you post a dick pic to go with your blog post? Now that would be liberation, no? I'll tell you why you didn't: because there is a time and a place for everything, and a dick pic on a news site isn't one of them. Context is everything.

Even as I'm typing this out, I'm getting pinged by a guy on an app with a blurry face pic. I asked him to unlock so that I could get a better look at him, and what was I greeted with? Four close-up pictures of his pendulous penis and one picture of his face taken from 500 yards away. This is the real-life equivalent of getting hit on by a guy wearing a mask. You ask him to take it off and he unzips his pants instead. You think that's "liberation"? I think it's disrespect. Do not confuse manners and decorum with oppression and repression. You have a right to send all the dick pics you want. I have the right not to see them unless I specifically asked for them.

Besides, who is impressed by dick pics these days? Guys spend hours trying to find an angle that makes it look like the Florida panhandle. Have you ever noticed how big everyone's dick pics have become? Wow, the whole world is hung! Funny, but a condom manufacturer once told me that only 6 percent of men need to wear an extra-large rubber. By the way, if anyone wonders if they're "officially" hung, the condom manufacturer suggested this wildly inventive test that will tell you.

At any rate, stop using liberation theory to rationalize your desire to have people see your pee-pee. Wanting admiration is understandable; forcing it from people is not.

Mike Alvear's latest book is How to Bottom Like a Porn Star.