THE BLOG
06/27/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sex With One Hand Over Your Mouth

man-w-hand-over-mouth

If your breath is so bad you have sex with one hand over your mouth,
take my advice...

My paint-peeling breath once seriously affected my sex life. I'd brush, floss, use mouthwashes, and pop Altoids but nothing worked. My chances with partners went from Game On to Game Over in one exhalation.

I swear at one point, my breath was so bad my dentist would only treat me over the phone. Fortunately, I found out what to do about it. Unfortunately, I have to keep doing it. If you're one of those people who learned to have sex with one hand over your mouth, here's my advice:

Know you're making your partner gag on the wrong thing because of odor-causing Volatile Sulfur Compounds (VSC). There's a whole range of new products that neutralize the VSC but they're hard to find so check with your dentist or sites like dentist.net. Make sure they contain chlorine dioxide, zinc ion or sodium chlorite.

Gargle with the mouthwash and make that "aaaaahh" sound -- it extends your tongue, letting the rinse cover hard-to-reach places where VSC like to hide. Next, scrape your tongue like there's a hottie's phone number under it. Tongues trap millions of microscopic food particles that eventually become VSC.

Also, lose the Altoids. They don't stimulate the body's most effective weapon against bad breath: Saliva. Try hard candy, instead. Better yet, sugarless gum. Epic may be your best bet since it has the heaviest concentration of xylitol, a sugar substitute known for saliva production. Or Big Red. Recent studies show cinnamon has an ingredient that decreases bacteria in the mouth. By the way, there's a reason your morning breath makes your partners lose their short-term memory: Sleep dramatically slows down saliva production.

One more suggestion: Water. You remember water? It's a mixer for whiskey. It flushes out bacteria so drink lots of it (the water, not the whiskey). Finally, don't forget to brush, floss, scrape, rinse and drink daily or you'll go back to starting forest fires every time you sigh.

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