06/01/2010 01:25 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Simon Cowell's AI Spill: Time to "Top Kill" American Idol

I'm sorry, I'm a little upset. After watching Rachel Maddow's reporting on the BP spill, I think I need one of those "Top Hats" to stop my reignited fury at G.W. Bush and his oily-garchy, and how the slick -- I mean the "legacy" -- he left behind still manages to fuck the Gulf Coast long after his retirement. (I also need it to stop me from making "Junk Shot" jokes...)

But instead, I'll do what Rachel says BP should be doing. I'll drill a relief well to channel my bile in a different direction...

Look, I admit it. I followed this year's American Idol because of Crystal Bowersox. Hey, you did too. She's hot and cool, she's got that dread-head 'tude, she's herself...

You didn't think she'd win, did you? Nah, it was that other guy. (What was his name?)

Once again, it was down to two finalists: one that came to be molded and one that came molded. And America dutifully chose the generic brand. Which is just fine for Simon. After all, AI's business is not making people famous, it's making famous people. And I get it. I don't beshrew a company for pumping out its product. But I guess my problem is, how many great singers do we need? Let's face it, there is a seemingly endless supply of people who can sing well. Do we need to hear from ALL of them? And when does it end? Simon may be leaving the company but the rig's still in place spewing plumes of vocalists into the American star-hole, leaking into Broadway, Hollywood, etc. with no end in sight.

Did America need a Lee What's-his-name? It's not like there are all these song-writers out there in desperate search of vocalists any more than there are screenwriters desperately searching for actors. We have enough.

And, you know, Johnny Bravo might not have been Greg Brady but at least he was playing Greg Brady's music.

And what's so great about great singers? In high school I was a huge Talking Heads fan. The best one can say of David Byrne's voice is that he hits the high notes, squeezing those thin pipes of his. But he put those high notes there himself. Oh, he was pitchy. But that was the point: "The better the singer's voice is, the harder it is to believe what they're saying," he said. I agree. Same with actors. I don't believe a word of what gorgeous people say. When Shelley Duvall or Sissy Spacek is scared, I'm scared.

But AI is a democracy. Hell, every former art industry is today -- big publishing houses now decide what we read by "committee," film companies rely on focus groups. And democracy is, speaking ecologically, anti-Darwin. It's the freaks that make us evolve, and the people don't vote for freaks. Oh, I know AI is not aiming for art, so actual artists should be able to thrive on their own. But AI drills in their habitat.

If there's anything we need, it's more ugly actors and bad singers. Shoot some junk into the AI well. Or maybe AI needs to just run its course, just keep spewing till all the good singers in America are heard from and forgotten. Or maybe Simon's leaving will stem the flow. I don't know, though. Did you see the way they praised the Henry Ford of superstars for what he'd wrought?

Obviously, I'm not worried about Crystal and Adam and all those lucky songbirds, safe in captivity. It's what Simon's slick has done to the rest of the species that I worry about.

As they said to BP (and to Sissy): "Plug it up!"