07/15/2008 11:56 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

George Bush's Post-Election Checklist

1. Make Exxon guy buy Crawford ranch at hefty profit for Laur 'n me.

1A. Get Texaco dude to sell Laur 'n me a place in Dallas, cheap. A big place on a golf course and a lake with a dock you can water ski from with a coach house for the girls and their families, a skeet range and wild quail you can shoot at from the front porch swing. Must be in neighborhood with challenging bike paths where people have money and mind their own bidness. (Swingers, Arabs and folks like Merkel ok; Musicians, Russians and folks like Chavez not ok)

2. Resumes to Blackwater, Halliburton, etc. Auction self to highest bidder. My white ass for sale, etc.

2A. Call pretzel people back about endorsement deal.

2B. Ask Jim Baker for favor = $$$.

3. Re-read My Pet Goat. (Little foggy on ending.)

4. Admit to Poppy he was right all along. Check with Bar to make sure I'm still in will.

5. Get people from Houston to talk w Oliver Stone about re-editing his picture show.

5A. Thank you note to Shreveport cops.

6. Find new Viagra Doc

7. Jen 'n Hen over for croquet, jarts, ribs. Private talk w Hen about grandkids. Offer phone # of new Viagra Doc.

7A. Discuss with Laur: Barbara a lesbo???

8. License Alfred A. Newman image and "What Me Worry?" from MAD Mag for new letterhead. (The joke stuff for close friends who know that I worry all the time--about staying in Poppy's will, heh, heh.)

9. Golf. Lots of it. (Note to me: Poppy wins.)

10. Have tummyache on Inauguration Day. Get Cheney to swear in Obama (if he's able to leave Montana or Wyoming wherever w/out gettin arrested and shipped to Gitmo, heh heh)

11. Call Blair and see what's up. Suggest shark-hunting off Great Barium Reef just to prove guy's a wuss. He won't do it. Settle for shooting bears in Alaska. (He prob won't do that either. Wuss.)

11. Get James Dobson to quit calling. What does he want from me? We arrested polygamists. We got Rosie cancelled but next thing you know she pops up on The View. That was Barbara Walters, and I'm only the POTUS. Earth to Dobson: at least 3 of the 12 disciples were gay, that i know of, hello.

12. Watch McCain blooper reel for like 100th time. Stuff's funny. (Funnier when Turd Blossom wears his jammies and eats cereal from his big Bugs Bunny bowl while we watch it together and poke fun. Dude's awesome that way. Weird but awesomely weird.)

13. Get people from Houston to talk to McClellan about dialin' it down a notch. Who does he think he is? Madonna's brother? Traitor. Media whore. Slut boy. Texas Rump Ranger.

13A. Maybe people from Houston do more than 'talk' to McClellan.

14. I didn't mean any of that.

14 Yes I did. I did like hell. People in Houston to sting McClellan w strippers and coke and shoot video, show on interweb, e-Tube, etc. (Or will that help his book sales? Damn. Disc. w Baker)

15. Maybe just one gin and tonic to loosen up a little.

16 Okay two.

17. Okay I lied. I jumped the wagon. Like yesterday. Heh heh.

20. Don't forget to have some FUN! The hard stuff is over. You did a heckuva a job. Not one more skyscraper got blown up on your watch, cowboy. Even if it did take killin' a few hundred thou (esp Pat Tillman, that was our bad) $7/gal gas and economy in the tank to keep it from happening. Price of freedom, etc. Time to enjoy life, play a few phone pranks (esp. on Conde, she falls for em every time!) and get up to Alaska and shoot some trophy animals for the new place in Houston!

GWB Nov 08
Crawford TX