07/17/2014 12:04 pm ET Updated Sep 16, 2014

The Lost Art of Peeing in the Shower

Michael Cavender

Attention all women: ALL MEN PEE IN THE SHOWER.

No matter what your husband, boyfriend or fiancé has said to you, the truth is, he has peed (or if he's lucky, is still is peeing) in your shower. This also applies but is not limited to; the ocean, pools, water fountains, public fountains and random sinks, but for now let's just stick with the shower.

Peeing in the shower used to be easy; the tub was nice and clean, there were no toys to move out of the way and I could just jump in, eyes closed, and let her rip. However, in the last eight years or so, my joys of having a good pee in the shower have all but diminished, unless of course I'm at a hotel or at a friends house (sorry, guys).

So for the last eight years, I had to add a third step to my shower.

  • Step 1: Undress
  • Step 2: PEE
  • Step 3: Shower
See the problem here? It used to be:
  • Step 1: Undress
  • Step 2: Pee/Shower

And the reason I can no longer pee in the shower? Kids. Yes, those blood-sucking vampires that emerge from the womb all sweet and cuddly and then slowly morph into day-walking dream killers. So as you can see having kids has totally cramped my style and added one extra step to my shower experience. It sucks.

It's very hard to pee in the shower when my bathtub has been littered with toys for the last eight years. Those sticky alphabet letters? We got 'em. Floating duckies? We got 'em. Bowls from the kitchen, dog toys, mixing spoons and any and everything that they can possibly sneak into the bathtub has literately been littered at my feet when I step into the shower. One time I found a pork chop. In the bathtub. Many times over the years I'd contemplate a way that I could pee around the toys -- I figured the water would just rinse them off -- but almost always I'd talk myself out of it. But this morning, I had a pleasant surprise.

When I woke up, I stumbled into the bathroom. As I climbed into the shower half-asleep, wiping my eyes,  I looked down and I noticed that the tub was empty. There was not one toy in sight. A huge rush came over me as my eyes opened wide and a sly grin crept up onto my face, but then suddenly, as quickly as it had come, it all vanished. Because just then, I realized...

I had just peed before getting into the shower.

Chalk up another win for the kids.

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