05/28/2014 12:30 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

60 Things I'd Rather Do Than Put Boots on My Kids to Leave the House

Tim Hall via Getty Images

Every single time.

We have many great wake-ups, tooth brushings, breakfast eatings, bathings -- and everything else that goes with waking up and getting out the door in the morning. Until we get to the actual front door.

"Daddy, I don't want to wear those shoes, I want the sandals that are upstairs. And Mommy, can you run downstairs and fetch me my toque?"

"It's May, why do you need a toque?"

"It's special toque day at school."

"Well, you can't wear sandals at school."


Every single time.

They don't realize there are other things I'd rather do than wedge them into shoes and hold them upside down to zip up a coat while snot drips onto my hand. Many things.

  1. Clean the bathroom toilet.
  2. Clean under the seat of the chair The Youngest sits in every time she eats a peanut butter sandwich.
  3. Run a marathon.
  4. Clean gum out of the dryer.
  5. Unclog the toilet The Youngest dumped a roll of toilet paper into.
  6. Watch Caillou.
  7. Watch Barney.
  8. Watch a Caillou and Barney Christmas special.
  9. Watch the Pittsburgh Penguins lose to the Philadelphia Flyers.
  10. Clean up the glass from the picture frames the girls knocked over after jumping on the couch.
  11. Let my kids cut my hair with butter knives.
  12. Let my kids shave my face with a straight razor.
  13. Drink three-weeks-past-the-expiry-date soy milk.
  14. Try to find the piece of LEGO The Eldest has proclaimed her favorite among all the LEGO in our house.
  15. Give a bath to both girls.
  16. Give second bath to both girls after first bath was ruined by an escape out the back door.
  17. Chase kangaroos through the basement.
  18. Chase spiders through our bedroom.
  19. Swat spiders and kangaroos off my face while sleeping.
  20. Mow the lawn.
  21. Watch our dandelions grow.
  22. Work on Grade 2 math problems I can't solve.
  23. Put together a bike at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
  24. Admit that I screwed up boiling the water.
  25. Give my phone to the girls at the top of the stairs and say "have at 'er."
  26. Download another beauty salon app for my iPad.
  27. Have a sit-down meal with the squirrels who live in our garage.
  28. Take a swim in the water that sits in the drum of our washing machine.
  29. Change a diaper with my hands tied behind my back.
  30. Give my kids three full chocolate Easter bunnies three minutes before bedtime.
  31. Perform all of Swan Lake on a floor littered with LEGO pieces.
  32. Demolish and rebuild our house using cardboard boxes from Barbie dolls.
  33. Remove 14 Barbies from their boxed casings.
  34. Play with 14 Barbies.
  35. Let my kids set the dining table with the "good plates."
  36. Watch an Ann Coulter keynote address.
  37. Drive cross-country in a car without air conditioning without stopping once.
  38. Introduce my kids to Star Wars. By showing them only the Jar Jar Binks scenes.
  39. Not introduce them to Star Wars at all.
  40. Eat the food off The Youngest's face after she had a bowl of spaghetti.
  41. Eat the Play-Doh cakes my daughters make.
  42. Eat the mud pies my daughters make.
  43. Wrestle with a snake.
  44. Clean our carpeted floors using just my fingers.
  45. Answer the question "Why do you think your child jumped off the roof?" asked by my child's teacher.
  46. Be the one who throws up riding on the kiddie roller coaster.
  47. Find myself stuck in the middle of IKEA with two kids and no cart.
  48. Try to draw a suitable hopscotch grid on our driveway using a nub of grey chalk.
  49. Pull out the whole magnetic alphabet that's been thrown under the fridge.
  50. Agree to never showing my girls the Ghostbusters movies.
  51. Walk into Walmart with my kids to buy a pack of gum three minutes before close on the day before a holiday.
  52. Try to apply sunscreen to a child's face with the door to get outside already open.
  53. Tell my kids the password to my phone.
  54. Bring my girls to a performance review at work.
  55. Wallpaper my bedroom with a floral print.
  56. Remove the floral print wallpaper with only my fingernails.
  57. Pay extra on my hydro bill.
  58. Leave my job to start a new career as a birthday party clown.
  59. Never grow a mustache again.
  60. Burn my Gladiator DVD.

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