THE BLOG
01/06/2015 04:26 pm ET Updated Mar 08, 2015

The Play-Doh Penis Parts. The Gall. The Outrage.

Bloomberg via Getty Images

Play-Doh makes toys, and as part of one of their package of toys there was a piece that looked like a penis. Or kind of looked like a penis, depending on what the penises in your house look like (because the Internet tells me they all look a little different).

Around these parts, it's known as The Play-Doh penis.

This ruined Christmas for people all over the world, because if there's one universal, absolute truth, it's that kids don't like penises in their Play-Doh sets.

Mind you, kids weren't actually complaining about it anywhere because to them, the penis part may have only seemed like a piece of their set that was designed to decorate a cake. Maybe to them, it wasn't a penis at all. But that part doesn't matter so much because their outrage, the lack of their own admission that Christmas was ruined, is likely only because they aren't old enough to have social media accounts.

There's no way it has anything to do with their parents taking away part of their Play-Doh set. Nope, not a chance. It's the penis.

Parents have a hard enough time trying to keep their kids from using the proper words for their vulvas and their penises without extruder parts looking somewhat like one of those things.

How in the hell do we talk to our sons about penises before they're 21 if they keep getting these?

"Dad, why did you take that from me, I was decorating the top of my cake. I was going to put a worm on the top."

"Because son, it's a penis. I mean a willy. We don't play with our extruders at the table, that's a family rule."

"If it's a willy, then why isn't it attached to a body? And what's a penis?"

"It's not attached to a body because it's just a toy. And a penis is a fancy word for your groin worm."

"Oh, that makes total sense. Am I still allowed to play with baseball bats and baseballs?"

"Oh absolutely, those don't have veins."

"Can we still eat cucumbers?"

"Yes, those are green."

"What about that Star Wars robot with a dome head?"

"R2-D2?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's a robot, that's fine."

Stop making this so hard, Play-Doh!

Kids should be learning all they need to know about human anatomy through random Google searches or misunderstood kindergarten drawings. Parents should not be forced to teach their Play-Doh-aged children what a penis is and what a Play-Doh extractor is before they're well and ready to do so.

Play-Doh needs to lean the hell off parental responsibilities and address this devastating situation. Stop expecting grownups to be grownups when they see something that mildly resembles a penis.

The miracle of Christmas is a hard one to maintain at the best of times. When penises start being inserted into gifts, we're screwed.