02/07/2013 09:29 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

'Identity Thief': Will This Movie Make You Stupid? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

identity thief

On Friday, a very bad movie called Identity Thief opens in theaters. If you happen to live near a theater showing Identity Thief (a likely scenario), you may be tempted to exchange hard-earned money for a ticket, especially if you enjoy the work of Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy. Please reconsider this. As a service to you, we answered every question that you could possibly have about Identity Thief.

Q: What is Identity Theft about?

A: It's about a criminal (McCarthy) who steals the identity of a man named Sandy Patterson (Bateman). Somehow guns, explosions and car chases are also involved.

Q: What would be a better title for Identity Thief?

A: Two Hours of Things That No Human Being Would Ever Do in Real Life.

Q: Can you give an example of someone doing something that no person would do in real life?

A: Sure. When Sandy realizes that his identity has been stolen, instead of consulting an attorney or notifying his creditors, he decides to chase down the criminal himself.

Q: But, c'mon, without that conceit, wouldn't that mean there was no movie?

A: Yes, that would be better.

Q: Can you give another example?

A: Sure. The police actually encourage Sandy to track his identity thief and bring her back from Florida to Denver by himself. Because if the police love one thing, it's a citizen vigilante.

Q: Can you give another example?

A: Sure. Sandy's boss (John Cho) threatens to fire Sandy because (A) his credit score is low and (B) his name is connected to a drug ring as a result of the identity theft. It's as if no one in this movie has every heard of an identity thief before, even though it's the name of the fucking movie.

Q: Well, maybe it's not clear that Sandy isn't involved ...

A: Stop -- the police have a picture of Melissa McCarthy's mug shot as she's holding a placard with the name "Sandy Patterson" written across it. Everyone has seen this. Everyone knows Sandy is not involved. No one seems to care. The attitude is still, "Boy, unless you go find this woman, you're in a lot of trouble."

Q: Can you give another example?

A: Sure. When Sandy locates the criminal, she punches him in the throat and steals his car. Instead of calling the police, Sandy finds her address and goes to her house.

Q: Can you give another example?

A: Sure. After Sandy arrives at her house, more criminals show up -- this time with guns firing. After this, Sandy is still determined to bring McCarthy's character back to Denver with him instead of calling any sort of authority.

Q: Can you give another example?

A: Sure. Sandy runs out of money, but instead of calling his wife for any type of help whatsoever, he and McCarthy's character go on a fraud spree of their own.

Q: Can you give another example?

A: Sure. While on this fraud spree in St. Louis (which, other than a CGI arch, looks nothing like St. Louis) the two reserve a very fancy hotel room. Which, of course, lets the police know exactly where they are staying.

Q: If I've always wanted to know what the St. Louis Arch would look like in Atlanta, should I see Identity Thief?

A: Yes.

Q: Is this a road trip movie?

A: Since both characters are going by the name Sandy Patterson, it would be difficult for them to fly on the same plane. Bateman's Sandy decides to drive McCarthy's Sandy from Florida to Denver.

Q: Along the way do they pass Seth Rogen and Barbra Streisand?

A: As much as I didn't care for The Guilt Trip, I would not have been upset if these four did somehow meet at a truck stop, or something, then the narrative just followed Rogen and Streisand.

Q: Wait, who were the people with the guns?

A: Honestly, it doesn't matter. They are there because someone decided, "Even though we have two of the funniest actors working today, this movie needs action and should be really stupid." I would not be surprised if the mission statement of this movie is "we want people to walk out of the theater more stupid than when they walked in."

Q: Did the mission statement work?

A: What? I'm sorry, I lost focus. Hey, remember Glo Worms?

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for Identity Theft, what quote do you think will be used?

A: "This movie will change you forever!" Mike Ryan - The Huffington Post

Q: Wait, does Melissa McCarthy's character have a name?

A: SPOILER ALERT. She doesn't know it because she was an orphan. This is supposed to make us sad.

Q: What was the most believable thing about Identity Thief?

A: Late in the movie the words "one year later" appear on screen. When compared to how long it felt like I had been in the theater by then, that felt about right.

Q: What emotions did you feel during most of Identity Thief

A: Overwhelming anger.

Q: Why would someone feel overwhelming anger during a comedy?

A: Watching Identity Thief felt like things were just being made up as the movie went along. I mean, like, literally, as I watched it. It felt like the director and the actors were at the theater and decided, "What if we filmed a scene with a snake right now and cut it into the middle of the movie? I bet we could do it. These people won't know the difference."

Q: What emotions did you feel after Identity Thief?

A: Overwhelming sadness for everyone involved.

Q: Would this be a good time to remind Universal that you were one of the 10 people on Earth who loved Battleship?

A: Probably.

Q: How much of the blame do you put on director Seth Gordon?

A: You know what? I'm going to do my best to forget that this movie ever existed and instead put on a never ending loop of The King of Kong.

Q: Are there any redeemable qualities about Identity Theft?

A: I cannot stress enough how great The King of Kong is.

Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

'Identity Thief' Photos