10/25/2013 01:21 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

'Seriously Mindy?'

"Seriously Mindy?"

Mindy 40 Dog Lover, Kiki's owner, and John and Whitney's neighbor
John 32 Dog Liker, Bart's owner, Whitney's husband, and Mindy's neighbor
Whitney 28 Dog Tolerator, John's wife, and Mindy's neighbor

Setting: One October evening, 2013. Suburban New York, Mindy's backyard, 11:46 pm.

A hysterical MINDY cries as she wraps a sweater around her shoulders over a thin t-shirt. Her stained jeans are rolled up at the ankles, revealing her bare feet. Yawning, JOHN stands in his rumpled pajamas and his wife's bedroom slippers. They stand under a motion light. MINDY steps up to and into JOHN's face.

MINDY: It's rape!

JOHN: What the f*ck are you talking about?

MINDY: You're responsible.

JOHN: My God it's almost midnight.

MINDY: Don't change the subject.

JOHN: There is no subject.

MINDY: What are you going to do?

JOHN: About what?

MINDY: About the dog rape.

JOHN: The dog rape. Seriously Mindy?

MINDY: He has at least two inches and 15 pounds on her. Bart raped Kiki.

JOHN: Bart didn't rape anyone.

MINDY: Your straggly mutt... leaped over the hedge and raped my Kiki.

JOHN: Mindy, I don't have time for this.

JOHN begins to walk away. Mindy walks after him, and partially blocks his way.

MINDY: Well you'd better make some time.

JOHN stops, and turns toward her.

JOHN: Are you threatening me?

MINDY: Of course not.

JOHN: It sure sounded like it.

WHITNEY enters, stage left. Her nightgown peaks out from beneath her thin trench coat. WHITNEY walks over to JOHN, and places her arm under his.

WHITNEY: What's wrong?

JOHN: Nothing.

WHITNEY: I heard shouting. I was all the way upstairs.

MINDY: Bart raped Kiki.

JOHN: See. I told you nothing's wrong.

WHITNEY: Bart did what?

MINDY: He raped Kiki!

WHITNEY: Seriously Mindy?

MINDY: Am I smiling?

WHITNEY: He's had his shots.

MINDY: I'm not talking about his damned shots. He raped Kiki.

WHITNEY: Your dog's a bitch.

MINDY: No she's not.

JOHN: Literally. Kiki is a bitch.

JOHN takes WHITNEY aside and whispers to her, while MINDY loudly blows her nose.

WHITNEY: Mindy. You seem so upset. Please calm--

MINDY: Don't patronize me.

WHITNEY: I'm not patronizing you, I--

MINDY: Where is that rapist dog of yours?

JOHN looks at WHITNEY.

JOHN: You see. What'd I tell you?

MINDY: I don't care what you told her. Look. Look at my jeans!

WHITNEY: It's a little too dark to see your pants.

MINDY walks into the center of the motion light.

MINDY: Look. Just look at that.

WHITNEY and JOHN lean over to inspect MINDY's jeans.

JOHN: What?

MINDY: Can't you see them?

WHITNEY: See what?

MINDY: The stains.

JOHN: Not really.

MINDY: Well they're there.

WHITNEY: I don't see them.

MINDY: I had to give poor Kiki a bath.

WHITNEY: Maybe she needed a bath.

MINDY: She just had a bath yesterday.

WHITNEY: So then, she's really clean. Let's go.

MINDY: Westies are delicate. She had fissures. She was bleeding.

WHITNEY: Maybe she was on her know.

WHITNEY takes JOHN's arm, and starts to walk away.

MINDY: I was getting ready to breed her. Where is he? Where is Bart?

WHITNEY and JOHN stop. JOHN turns to face MINDY.

JOHN: Why?

MINDY: I think you should keep a closer watch on him.


MINDY: Or he's going to go around raping other dogs.

WHITNEY: What makes you think Bart raped Kiki?

MINDY: I saw him on my security camera.

WHITNEY: Maybe Kiki should be more discerning.

MINDY: What?

WHITNEY: Maybe Kiki gave off some sort of vibe, or scent.

MINDY: Are you saying Kiki wanted to be raped? That she asked for Bart to jump on her? She was minding her own business, chewing her toy.

JOHN: You have a doggie door, right?

MINDY: What does that have to do with anything?

JOHN: Why didn't Kiki leave? She could have ran through the door and escaped.

MINDY: Bart pounced on her. She never had a chance. Do you want to see the security tape?

JOHN: Mindy, I don't even want to be out here with you, much less see your tape.

MINDY: What? Seriously?

JOHN: Seriously Mindy.

The End