Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other. Marquis de Sade
I find that I speak with many men and women about the state of their relationships. Friends, acquaintances, colleagues, people behind me in line at the mall, strangers sitting next to me on airplanes - they are all fair game! Lately, a theme has emerged which is very disturbing to me. At first I thought it could be the age of my subjects, but then I realized I have spoken with a cross-section of people of different ages. Then I thought it might be the stage of life they are in, but then I realized I have spoken with a cross-section of people at various stages in their lives and relationships. I'm puzzled. What is going on? Why are married people, seemingly committed spouses, both men and women, sharing with me that their love lives are nearly non-existent? Why am I hearing things like, "We haven't been intimate in weeks (months!)"
Here's what I heard about why this dearth of intimacy is going on in America!
We're stressed. (Yes, life is hard. That's a perfect reason for other things to be too!)
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it (Cary Grant).
Being too stressed can lead to other "problems" and based on the ads I see on TV with handsome men talking about ED and gorgeous women talking about having a low libido, this appears to be a valid issue in our country. Engaging in sex should be a stress reliever! Doctors should be prescribing this instead of drugs for high blood pressure. Don't you feel better after you and spouse have had a healthy sex session? The stress may still be there, but I bet you have forgotten about whatever was stressing you out at least temporarily!
We're tired. (yawn!)
Skiing is better than sex actually, because for me a good round of sex might be seven minutes. Skiing you can do for seven hours (Spalding Gray).
Yes, I get it. We are overworked. Up at dawn, hitting the gym, off to work for a long day of meetings, home for family dinner, before heading off to coach little league, and finally home at 10PM. Don't . Touch. Me. I. Just. Want. To. Sleep. What? This isn't like you are signing up for an evening course to learn the art of Tai Chi (to reduce all that stress, of course). Tai Chi class meets every Monday evening from 6-9PM. Sex doesn't need 3 hours. Damn! Don't worry, you will be sound asleep in about 5-10 minutes.
We're bored. (um, hello. Seriously? Make it fun! Sex isn't supposed to be boring.)
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer (Swami X).
Make it fun. There are lots of ways. If the two of you really can't figure out how to make it fun, I understand there are stores which will help you by selling you toys designed to make it more fun. Remember how much you used to love going to the toy store when you were little? Perhaps it's time for a visit! The answer is "Yes!"
We're afraid the kids will hear us. (That's not the worst thing ever!)
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex (Bill Maher).
I get this point about not wanting to have your kids hear you and think you are passing a large kidney stone, but c'mon. I grew up thinking my parents only did it twice (once for my brother, and once for me!). Instead, wouldn't it be nice for kids to be taught the importance and value of intimacy when it exists in the context of marriage? Mommy and Daddy need their special time too!
We aren't feeling the love. (Yes, sometimes people need a reason to get fired up!).
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place (Billy Crystal).
Up until now, my comments have really been aimed at both the men and the women, but this one is more targeted. Rightly or wrongly, many women seem to need a "reason" to make love to their husbands. Many women articulated an inability to feel romantic towards their husbands when they aren't feeling appreciated and valued. Without opening a whole can of worms, I suggest this. Men, give her a reason to have sex. Empty the dishwasher. Give the kids their bath. Trust me. This is sexy ... and a really good "reason." Women want to feel appreciated and a little "act of service" goes a long way. Don't get all bent out of shape on this topic. Remember, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!
What do you think? Any reasons I may have missed?