02/11/2013 05:48 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

7 'No Fail' Rules to Score Big on Valentine's Day

You know that expression, "It's so easy a monkey could do it?" Well having a successful Valentine's Day seems like an easy thing to achieve. Yet time and time again we primates blow it. Why? Because we have our heads up so far up our butts we can't read the writing on the Hallmark card. Fellas, this should be easy. It's a fair trade: sex for chocolate -- a tradition that dates back to the dawn of evolution. But year after year after year, some poor guy from the wrong side of the jungle screws it up. Here are Nacho's seven rules to go all the way on Valentine's Day. That rhymes (which is tip eight for you poets who didn't know it.)

Rule 1:

Never ever talk about Valentine's Day with your lady before February 14th. If you have a special evening or a dinner planned, surprise her on that day. There is nothing that screams "loser" more than a guy talking about Valentine's Day in January.

Rule 2:

The amount of money you spend on Valentine's Day should be in proportion to how long you've been with her. Here is the math: $50 per month of dating. If you have only dated her a week, giving her a key to your apartment is too much. Even if it's dangling from a Tiffany necklace. On the flip side, if you give her candy and chocolates and she asks, 'what else?" you may have a gold digger on your hands. Run!

If you've been together three months, a nice dinner should suffice. If you've been with your lady for over 10 years, you may have to get creative -- love coupons are a good fall back (plus they'll likely never get redeemed). You get the drift. If you put in the effort, she will understand.

Rule 3:

Clean your place, especially your bathroom. If a woman thinks your bathroom is disgusting she is going to question your personal hygiene. And you know what that means -- If you are too lazy to clean yourself, call Molly Maid. It will be the best $80 you ever spent. And if you book a hotel, it shouldn't have hourly rates. She's not a prostitute. If she is a prostitute, then it's your call since you are already paying for her "time." But even hookers have standards on Valentine's Day.

Rule 4:

If you are sad about spending your Valentine's Day alone, keep yourself busy, so your mind doesn't wander to your ex. Sure she is probably having a great evening with her new guy, but don't do anything creepy or criminal.

Rule 5:

Just because you gave her a box of chocolates does not give you the right to ask her if she's going to eat "another one of those." You bought her that box of chocolates, let her enjoy it.

Rule 6:

A little cologne is mysterious. It says to a woman, "There's more here, if you dare to look closer." Too much cologne screams, "I'm concealing something." Fellas, don't make your woman run for the hazmat suit. Less is more. Avoid anything by Axe Body Spray on this special day because you are not a teenager. And if you are teenager, it's time to grow up and smell like a man. If you need to save money for the big night, don't blow it on a big bottle of Brut. Run to your local mall and grab some fragrance samples if you are a lover on a budget.

Rule 7:

The big moment comes. You've done dinner. (Fellas, keep it classy -- like Olive Garden, Macaroni Grill, you get the drift). She loves the flowers, the gift, and now it's time to make your move. Your playlist is killing it, candles are burning, you've put your regular sized condoms in a Magnum box and displayed it prominently on the dresser. Showoff! You have your chocolate sauce, and whipped cream handy. She walks out of your CLEAN bathroom looking sexy. Compliment her. Invite her into your bed (This last part is up to you, because let's face it, some people are just freakier than others. Like I do this thing with my tail... let's just save that for another blog). But be creative, have fun, and try something new, it's Valentine's Day for chrissakes.

That's it. Hopefully, you'll follow my rules and make your special night one to remember. Not a night to forget like my last Valentine's Day. See video here, if you dare: