12/17/2014 02:49 pm ET Updated Feb 16, 2015

Dear Hairdresser

Rayman via Getty Images

Dear Hairdresser:

Before you start, I'd like to share with you just a couple of my little "issues":

  • My face is really round.
  • My eyes are close together.
  • My eyebrows are going gray.
  • I have a short neck, but an extra chin.
  • My lips are too thin.
  • I'm very pale. Except when I'm very tan.
  • My hair is fine at the temples, but thick at the back.
  • Nobody has no body like me.
  • One ear is just slightly lower than the other.
  • I'm allergic to one kind of dye, but I don't remember which one.
  • I like my hair a rich, dark brown, or maybe blonde. Redheads are nice.
  • I like layers, but not too many layers. Or maybe a lot. Or maybe blunt.
  • The back of my head is quite flat.
  • I have a cowlick back there, so that spot is even flatter.
  • The right side of my hair tends to flip up by itself.
  • I like bangs. Long, but not too long. And fringy. You know, like that actress. You know... her. But only in that one movie, not the other one.
  • I'm not very good with the blowdryer.
  • Humidity makes my hair flop.
  • Dry weather gives me the static flyaways. Like rubbing a balloon against a sweater.
  • Hairspray makes me itchy.
  • I have a photo here of a style I like. It's longer than my hair, but the right cut might grow into that.
  • I want to subtract a few years. Like 20.

So now we're ready.

Give me a hairdo that will correct/conceal/complement these few little issues.

I know you can do it.

I'm a good tipper.