HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette," of course).
Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode. Missed last week's recap? Read it here.
This week, Emily left Little Ricki with the babysitter and went with the guys to Croatia (a country they likely could not to locate on a map). Emily used her one-on-one dates to figure out which of the stragglers she wanted to kick off and ended up putting herself out of her misery by sending home our least favorite, but oh-so-quotable, meathead, Ryan. Here's our take on the episode, showcased by the guys who, for better or for worse, stood out the most.
Saddest Crier: Travis
For the first on-one-on, Emily took Travis on what's been this season's most popular date activity: walk around city streets and find cultural "love monument." Travis revealed that his hand-holding with Emily was the most action he's gotten in two years and Emily said that she can "be herself around him" -- which is girl code for "I feel nothing for him."
Greg: This date was clearly just a formality so that Emily wouldn't feel bad about cutting him loose.
Natasha: The "balancing love statue" shtick -- telling him he had to stand on a random piece of concrete jutting out of a wall while taking off an article of clothing -- seemed like her last-ditch effort to see if he was worth keeping around for his upper body. When he didn't go for the stripping part, she said, "I'm bummed that Travis didn't take off his shirt. I've been wondering, 'what's under that shirt'?"
Greg: And I was bummed that I had to watch Travis try to balance on a rock for five minutes.
Natasha: I'm guessing that if he were built like some of the other guys (cough, Sean, cough), he would have de-shirted on cue. Nothing good was under there, Emily. Let us not forget that this the guy who came into the show bearing an ostrich egg.
Greg: Wait, Travis is the egg guy!? What a goofus.
Natasha: At dinner, when Emily said that she could be herself around him, I knew that no romance was possible. That is the way of the "Bachelor" franchise: Sexual tension is the only real indicator of true love.
Greg: Travis got too deep into the friend-zone. Watching him cry actually made me sad. I liked him better as the simple goofball who always smiled...
Natasha: That is how he will always live on in our hearts. He had a sweet exit though: Walking through the cobbled, rain-drenched streets of Dubrovnik. And then, DRAMATIC UMBRELLA TOSS. Hold me, Greg. Hold me.
Greg: Only if you hold me.
Least Impressive Display of Masculinity: Chris
The group date wasn't so much of a date but more of a reenactment-slash-not-so-shameless-plug for the new Disney/Pixar movie "Brave," which was fortunately age-appropriate for Jef. (And now, we are further perpetuating said plug so that this recap makes sense. Well played, ABC, well played.) After some forced movie-watching, the men got to do some equally forced kilt-wearing, donkey-riding, arrow-shooting and log-throwing. Fun times were had by all -- even Chris, who apparently has no athletic skills whatsoever.
Natasha: This the second week in a row that Arie and Doug have had to wear skirts.
Greg: Who do you think had the nicest kilt legs?
Natasha: Sadly, I couldn't judge because the guys were wearing high socks. Sean won for best arms, though. And Jeff won for most childlike body.
Greg: He looked like I did when I was 12. Which is unfortunate because, at 12, I looked like I was about 7. I'm surprised that Jef could even pick up the log for the throwing contest.
Natasha: His failure to impress Emily with his physical skills was overshadowed by Chris, who looked liked he had never played a sport, ever.
Greg: He failed at the log toss and at archery, despite his prior experience.
Natasha: He recounted: "I shot a bow and arrow once in my life. It didn't go well. I lost the arrow and I still can't find it."
Greg: How long has he been looking? Anything more than two minutes is too long, and I got the impression that he had been searching for it for years.
Natasha: That's why he's still single. He devoted his life to finding that arrow. No time for girls.
Greg: No, he is still single because he apparently sucks at archery. Up until tonight I didn't think there was an effeminate way to shoot a bow and arrow. I have since changed my position. Sean, on the other hand, crushed the log toss.
Natasha: Literally. He threw it and it broke in half. (At this, Emily was like, "I'm not gonna lie, it was impressive. Sean looked freakin' hot.") However, as much as I enjoyed the muscles in this segment (sorry, Greg), there was also a lot of ugly "straining white-man overbite face" going on.
Greg: In the end, Chris got the pity prize from Emily: A silver cup with the word "Brave" on it. Her speech about "trying" was even more emasculating than finishing last to a group of five guys and a pre-pubescent child. She just didn't want a second guy to cry in two days.
Worst "Bachelorette" Contestant to Never Play in the NFL: Ryan
Emily took Ryan on an unmemorable date to the top of a hill, on a boat for a brief "oystering" jaunt and, finally, to dinner in an old building. The prevailing question of the afternoon/evening was "Do you want to be the trophy wife of an arrogant douchenozzle for the rest of your life?" Thankfully, Emily opted out.
Natasha: Before Emily's date with Ryan started -- and after his 9,000th reference to playing professional football -- we paused the show to look into this "career" of his. This is what we found on NFL.com: "Ryan Bowers: Experience: 0 Seasons, This players has no statistics."
Greg: He's such a perfectionist that he didn't want to ruin his squeaky clean stats by actually playing in a game.
Natasha: In an online interview I found, he said of his football career, "It's one of those things where you just work and believe. I can do anything the Lord wants me to do."
Greg: Yes. Except play professional football, it seems.
Natasha: As Ryan prepared for the date, Chris outed his "three hour" manscaping ritual: "He shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs and stuff."
Greg: I mean, those finger hairs could slow him down on the gridiron.
Natasha: I love how all the guys could so clearly see how terrible he was -- to the point that they weren't threatened by him, but found him hilarious. Though, how hard could it be when he said things like "The world is our pearl"?
Greg: Not only can Ryan not play football, but, as we learned from all the people swerving around him and honking during his date with Emily, apparently, he also can't drive.
Natasha: Or he can't read road signs
Greg: Or he can't read.
Natasha: He can, however, write. During dinner, he busted out a list of "12 Things He Wants in A Woman." This included such gems as someone who never criticizes him, someone who is "a servant," and someone who has a "sexy personality."
Greg: Emily told him she didn't want to be his trophy wife and, after a two-minute awkward stare-down -- and the most brainpower Ryan had probably every used -- he tried to convince Emily to give him another chance via guilt-trip. Ryan, a real man doesn't beg for a second try.
Natasha: SHE SAID NO!
Greg: He doesn't take no for an answer. Except when it comes from the NFL.
Natasha: After he finally left, his departure sequence was gold. I loved the juxtaposition between Ryan proclaiming that he "built great friendships" with the men in the house and his self-assuring that he will "see those guys again soon" with all of them high-fiving each other in the hotel room over the news of his departure.
Greg: I think I even saw Chris and Doug hug it out.
Natasha: The editors should win Emmys. Beautiful work.
Greg: Then, Ryan compared himself to "some of the greatest men in the world" who are "blessed with many worldly gifts."
Natasha: He may or may not be a sociopath. He said he was worried that the editors would portray him as an "arrogant ass."
Greg: They didn't have a choice -- unless they wanted to edit him out of the show entirely.
In the end, Chris, Arie (Natasha: I still like him, but, man, he is a GROSS slow motion kisser), Sean, and Jef were given roses. Emily requested an extra rose to hand out, because she couldn't decide who she liked least, John or Doug (Greg: Whose only contribution of the night was inaudible sobbing sounds). Next week, the six remaining dudes will go with Emily to Prague, where we will be treated to fireworks, Emily making out with someone on the floor and lots of walking down city streets. There's also a shocking revelation: OMG! Arie dated one of the show's producers! Will Emily go backwoods, hood-rat on his ass? One can only hope.
Until next time, amuse yourself with some of the best quotes from the latest episode and vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.