Many of us have dreamt for decades of having children and when the time to start trying finally comes, it is exciting! Until it isn't. And it isn't, because it isn't happening.
I wrote this poem as part of my grieving process when I learned (after much trying) that we wouldn't likely have biological children. When this happens, you feel so many emotions. Having gone through it, I now feel strongly that feeling each emotion is important. You deserve to let yourself feel the pain, anger and sadness (without shame), for you may have just come to the realization that you won't have a baby the way you always expected to.
Allow yourself to wade through the muck of the emotions. Be gentle with yourselves and feel what you feel. But know, you can't stay in that muck forever. You can't let it stall your life and dredge you down forever. You know if you are meant to be a mother.
Feel what you feel, but don't get stuck indefinitely in the muck! You won't find a baby there.
This poem is dedicated to the many women (and their spouses) out there trying so desperately to build their families. Please know you are not alone. Please know that when you decide to step out of the muck, there is light and hope waiting to embrace you.
You may keep trying to have a biological child and have a success. You may be too tired to keep trying. You may have no choice, but to look into different options. Please know that adoption is a beautiful blessing and option for you.
To my dear friends and family that will read this and cry, thank you for your prayers, but please know I am through this grief and while the sadness pops up from time to time, I am out of the muck! I have two sons. I am a mother!
Please share with anyone going through this or friends/family that might need to better understand what you are going through!
Farewell to Dear Little One
Dear Little One,
When I was younger I dreamed I'd have you by the age of 26,
And when Daddy and I were married we were open to you without conflict.
But as the years rolled on and you never showed your sweet face,
We prayed and tried and cried and tried and tried again just in case.
Dear Little One,
I may never sit in silent joy celebrating your positive pregnancy test,
Or surprise your Daddy with first news of you, telling him how we've been blessed.
We'll never get to tell our family and reveal you as pink or blue,
Or pass around our ultrasounds, everyone searching for a gender clue,
But little one you will still be missed.
I may never moan and groan as my body grows and changes with you inside.
I'll never feel you kick or listen to your heartbeat for the first time with pride.
I won't feel a rush of excitement as my water breaks and contractions begin,
Or experience the motherly pain of your birth as I pray and pray for a win!
But dear little one you will still be missed.
I'll never get to snuggle you close moments after your birth,
Or learn to breastfeed you, bonding us in moments like the only two on earth.
People won't say, "Look at her she's got her mother's eyes,"
Or "I wonder if he'll be strong and tall, grow up to his Daddy's size?"
I won't wonder if you will like art, reading, and cooking just like me,
Or if you'll like diggers, cranes, numbers, and lights just like your Daddy.
We won't just wait and see.
Dear Little One,
I've spent time joyfully waiting for you,
patiently praying for you,
lovingly crying for you.
We've tried really hard for you.
I've cried and cried waiting for you.
I've begged God to bless us with you.
I want to be a mother to you.
Then Little One, finally, one day, I woke up and realized the motherhood I so longed for is about more than the sadness and pain I've been dwelling in.
So, dear Little One,
The time has come for me to say goodbye,
To turn my sorrow into joy and do more than just cry.
For while I may never have a little one born from my own womb,
There are other ways to become a mother and my heart certainly has room.
So, to be the best mother that I desire to be,
I say goodbye to my sadness, my pain, and my grief.
Those things are keeping me from being whole like life's greedy thief.
For happy, whole, and secure in myself I must be,
Before I can embrace a new path to motherhood,
placing the journey in God's hands is key.
Former jet-setter and business woman, Natasha Hanneman is currently rocking out motherhood to twin 2-year-old boys and wifey-hood to a great hubby. She blogs about family and adoption at Giggle Giggle Toot Roar. You can follow Natasha on Facebook and Twitter.