THE BLOG
09/30/2015 09:51 am ET Updated Sep 29, 2016

Facebook Down

Facebook recently crept over 1.23 billion monthly active users, while over the past few days the social media giant's site has crashed, leading to multiple catastrophes across this great land. Doughnut Shops reported Cross-fitters who were desperate to report their Fitbit stats crashed in during busy hours to read their stats to innocent bystanders. Proud grandparents kidnapped their own grandchildren then forced the children into stranger's faces asking if they '"liked" the child.

Others went about in public places reading random inspirational quotes then asking strangers to "share" them. Lovers of food left restaurants without paying their bills so they could carry their plates around and ask folks to verbally "like" their dinner. People became depressed when they weren't wished a Happy Birthday in a timely manner and others actually had to work at their job once their Facebook game was ended abruptly. My own father had no choice but to shout his obscenities about politics to the news anchors on television -- like the pioneers did in the olden days -- instead of posting them online.

Personally, I was awarded two restraining orders for literally poking people -- one person I just wanted to annoy and the other was this really cute girl I've liked for a while. I digress. My point is, something must be done to prevent this type of atrocity from ever happening again. Write your Congressman, start a GoFundMe account to advertise against it, send Mark Zuckerberg a message on Messenger or anything really. We must unite as a people. Let "Facebook Down" be your war cry!