THE BLOG
12/31/2016 06:07 pm ET Updated Dec 31, 2017

TOP NEW YEAR'S RESOLU-SHUNS: The People's Guide.

2017 is finally here. Thank goodness 2016 is finally over. No matter who you supported, the election was brutal, scandalous and seemed to consume any and all news coverage in 2016. The only time we seemed to get a break from it was when yet another celebrity was taken from us. It just seemed like a train wreck of endless tragedy up until the very end of the year. Speaking of celebrities-has anyone checked on Betty White and Keith Richards? We need an update on their vitals-STAT!

In light of a ridiculously tough year in 2016 and a new incoming administration, I think it might be time to lighten up a little and give ourselves a little bit of a break.

We all love Christmas, but some of us can tend to get a little carried away with it. Some of our traditions may not make the most sense, but it is what it is:

First thing we need to do is get those holiday decorations down. If you have a family to help, a hearty team effort can get the job done fairly quickly. If you live alone, your 17 cats staring at you condescendingly will inspire you eventually to remove the festive fodder from your residence. Of course, some of us may need to rid ourselves of more than a dead tree...

Of course, lighter fluid and a match will always do the trick if you don't mind living in your car until the insurance pays. I don't recommend this, but to each his own.

For some, removing decorations immediately after the holidays may be a more difficult task than for the rest of us.

Now that the decorations are out of the way or at least unplugged if you leave them up all year, let's move on to those onerous New Year's Resolutions. This year, we need some positivity so let's set some attainable goals.

1) NO GOALS: One sure fire way to avoid failing our New Year's Resolutions is by not setting any. This is my favorite way to go about it, but unfortunately it leaves us nothing to brag about on Facebook. Social Media showmanship and validation from people that barely care about us seems all the rage these days, so let's set some doable targets:

2) SURVIVAL GOALS: I think one of the greatest achievements we can accomplish in 2017 is to simply survive it. Lots of folks didn't make it through 2016, so in 2017 survival seems like a rational goal. Of course, you could just stay in bed and never go outside. Staying indoors while limiting my interactions with people is my favorite way to survive 2017 but there's that money thing, mean people that want rent-oh, and family. Whatever you do, if you can still fog a mirror by January 1, 2018-you're winning!

3) HEALTH GOALS: Some of us like to set health goals. Your health is important, but let's not get carried away.

For me, a gym membership is just a great way to pay a fat tax. I take my walk of shame once a year to renew my membership and pick up my new membership card which I flash to the do-gooders throughout the year to let them know that I may be tubby, but I'm trying. You may want to take a look at some of these places people are calling 'gyms' now. I've found a few 'gyms' that offer free wifi, free coffee, free cable and even pizza and bagels on certain days for as little as $10.00 a month! Seriously people? Is this a resort or a gym? That sounds like a health plan I can live with! This is my type of workout:

The only negative to a gym membership is the cost and that you'll have to deal with the die hards that actually use the equipment-bless their hearts. Other than dealing with the crazy folks that are actually sweating in the gym, it's really not a bad deal!
If you are not a people person or the cost of the gym membership is too much, you can always buy a Fitbit...all the cool kids are doing it! For me a Fitbit is just a measure of disappointment because I can barely walk 10,000 steps in a week-let alone a day. Don't worry though, where there's a will-there's a way:

Going on a diet can be a good thing and a lot of people try it. Of course there are a plethora of fads to try, so enjoy torturing yourself with these less than civil methods. I love the names they give these diets- 'South Beach', 'Whole 30' or the 'Paleo' Diet. I think it's interesting to note there are no Paleolithic people alive today, so the diet they were on must not have been too fantastic. I'm pretty sure a Paleolithic Neanderthal alive today would eat a steady stream of doughnuts, cupcakes & pie-so yeah, I'll try your silly diet. Maybe I'll consider this diet more the next time I want to wear a burlap sack, grunt, poop in the woods, start a fire with sticks, drag people around by their hair after clubbing them to death and live a miserable life in general. After all, the most effective diet is death.

4) SCREEN GOALS: Many people want to spend less time in front of computer screens and more time outside. All I have to say about that is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Have you seen outside recently? There are people out there! It's scary! Seriously, this is a great goal and I think you could accomplish this for 24 hours...maybe if you're sleeping for least 12 of those 24 hours.

Either way, good luck with staying off your phone. If you're in denial and think it's still possible, you're probably the one that calls instead of texts and leaves lengthy voicemail messages-it's ok though, we still love you. The rest of us want to set attainable goals, and this clearly is not attainable.

5) RELATIONSHIP GOALS: Some folks like to set their dating goals rather high.

Congrats if you can attain those lofty ambitions, but I'd recommend something more reasonable. For starters, let's try to find somewhere to ring in the New Year instead of our mother's basement this time around....

Maybe you can meet some new people to talk with that have different opinions than the cats in your mom's basement. Who knows-whether it's you or the liquid courage talking, your chances of finding a date increase exponentially when you're not alone in a basement. If you're not looking for a serious relationship, it's always nice to have some friends other than a herd of feral, feisty felines. This may require putting your phone down and speaking to a real life human every once in a while. I know, I know-it's a dreadful thought, but eventually you might get enough friends to establish a squad who would love to sit in the basement and stare at their phones in silence with you. Wherever you go, just check before you go to make sure they have the following things to ensure you'll have a good time:

A. Free WiFi
B. Cheetos
C. Your favorite beverage
D. A charger for your phone
E. A dog to pet and chill with because sometimes people are stupid

Whatever you decide to do, please have a safe and Happy New Year! Love others, put a smile on that face and give 2017 all you've got!

Celebratory Pro Tip: If you think you may not be able to control your intake of 'festivities', it would probably be a good idea to leave the cameras at home...