04/17/2014 03:40 pm ET Updated Jun 17, 2014

The Universal Politician Speech

Ghislain & Marie David de Lossy via Getty Images

Are you a politician with a big speech scheduled and your speech writer is out of commission? Fear not. Here's is the backup speech that will work anywhere, anytime, for any occasion, and for either party.

My fellow Americans, we are at a crossroads in history and we must forge ahead. Let us build on our successes and throw out the things that are not working. As Americans, we have the heart to do what must be done. When our backs are against the wall, we rise to the occasion. (One mixed metaphor is allowed.) Let us strive to bring about the change that will make our lives better for our families, the way great leaders like (insert Ronald Reagan or John F. Kennedy) did in their day.

We must reach across the aisle to work together for the common good. Let us reign in government spending while creating the kind of jobs that can spur our economy. Let's reward hardworking American companies so they can grow and take pride in this country's great workforce. We should build on the integrity of the American worker instead of burdening them with more taxes.

Let us seek real reform so Americans can once again be self-sufficient and not have to rely on government assistance, while making sure that no one in this great country who sincerely needs help goes without it. We'll bring back the idea of an honest day's work for an honest day's pay that instills pride in ourselves and our country.

We will secure our borders by writing smart laws that protect us while making sure that honest hardworking immigrants have a legal route to come here and work to support their families. No free rides, but an honest, progressive approach to work visas that allows us to accurately account for, and tax, the number of immigrant workers while keeping out the unwanted element.

Our children are our future, so let's give them every chance they need to succeed by providing our teachers with the tools needed to do their job. Let us recognize those teachers who do outstanding work and reward them accordingly. By preparing our children for the leadership tasks ahead, we insure the American way of life for generations to come.

It is our duty to support the men and women in uniform who keep us safe in a dangerous world. We have an obligation to provide them with the necessary equipment to do their jobs, and to provide the returning soldiers with the services they need to rejoin society. They did their job to protect us, now we must do our job to honor them.

I pledge to support and defend the Constitution so that all our freedoms we hold dear will always be protected. Only real reform will bring about true change so let's roll up our shirt sleeves and work together to make sure the United States of America remains the greatest country in the world.

Family values are the core of our greatness. Let us put aside bipartisanship and work together to find common ground so that these values are always protected. Let us remember that this country was founded on principles such as liberty, justice, and freedom. We will reach down deep to find the strength to go forward, and pray to God (Substitute "Jesus" in Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas only) to guide us.

With your help, we will accomplish the change and reform to secure our freedoms and protect our liberties as we grow our economy while we learn from our past to ensure our future by working together for the common good to instill the values of our forefathers and build on the principles of honest, hardworking, American pride.

Thank you. (Repeat "thank you" for five minutes after they stop clapping. Wave and point to people in the crowd as if you know them.)