Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 2, Episode 15 of FOX "New Girl," titled "Cooler."
If you're reading this and already know what I'm talking about, please join my intense and over the top SQUEALING for a moment.
Alright. Let's recap.
Nick stole a coat. Or rather, was delivered a coat in the mail by mistake -- a woman's trench-coat no less -- and he is feeling "hot to trot." Jess and Winston disapprove, but certainly enjoy Nick's newfound confidence. Nick is by far my favorite character on this show right now.
Schmidt steps out of his bedroom wearing nothing but a sheet wrapped around his waist. He's been trying to get something going with himself, but to no avail. He just doesn't do it for himself anymore. It's time to find a sex mate, and Nick and Winston are game. The latter hasn't had sex since Labor Day and can't even talk to women anymore. Nick insists on keeping the woman's coat on and keeping Jess out -- though Sam has the late shift and Cece is on a date (yeah, just realized Jess is never alone), the guys don't want her out with them, especially Nick. Why? Because she's his "cooler" (or his "lobster"... Amrite?).
Jess protests, to which Nick replies with a brilliant "it's not you. It's the way that you behave. And the things that you say. And the look on your face. And it is you!" Jess retreats to cleaning her closet.
At the bar, after being kicked out of a discothèque, the three spot
Brooklyn Decker Holly, a beautiful girl sitting by herself. They all rush over to try their luck (Schmidt: "your friendship means nothing to me, every man for himself"), but Winston quickly realizes he still can't form words in the presence of a woman. Not even in the presence of the woman he ends up sitting next to when he's all embarrassed, Daisy. Luckily, she's taken. Conversation ensues. Nick and Schmidt, meanwhile, get into a "Nick and Schmidt" brawl over who gets to talk to the pretty girl.
In the apartment, Jess has a watermelon Nick with a face drawn on and a hoodie propped up. She's attempting to reorganize her closet, prance around sans bottoms, prance around sans top, dress up as a robot and as a Kenyan runner. All in good fun, until she hears scratching at the door.
Back at the bar, Nick and Schmidt battle over Holly. Turns out she's into "sad guys" and thinks Nick looks "sadder than most." Self-deprecation, weirdly, turns her on. Winston chats up Daisy, who decides to take him on as a challenge.
Terrified of the scratching (that by now has stopped) and in her pillow fort, Jess leaves voice mails for Sam and Cece ("I might be fine, but I also might be dead"). She calls Nick who is too busy to answer, but is forced to by Schmidt, who sees it as an opportunity to cut Nick out and win over Holly. Jess begs him to come home and though he tries to fight off her "cooling" effect, she says she needs him.
Next thing you know, the whole gang is back in the house.
Nick tries to explain to Jess the incredibly fortunate position he is in, for the hot girl out in the living room is sexually aroused by misery. Jess promises to help out and fix it. Who's ready forrrr *drum roll* True American! This time, the drinking game comes with a sexy twist, courtesy of Jess. The game is on and Jess gets Holly to lose her clothes, to Nick's contentment.
Cece, at the movie theater with her British-sounding date, learns the crying mess of a man next to her really wants kids. Not a thing for first dates, but as we learned from "Eggs," Cece's clock is ticking extra fast. As she pulls out her phone she realizes Jess was looking for her frantically, and takes the new guy over to Jess' apartment to see if she's alright (hey, she could've called).
As the game carries on, Nick and Schmidt fight over who's fatter (fat makes Holly sad): formerly fat Schmidt who has phantom jiggles, or "fat boy" Nick. Under the table, Daisy tries to breathe some confidence into Winston.
A shirtless Schmidt and a shirtless Jess play Nick and Holly for the couple who gets to go behind the iron curtain and kiss with a "clear and present danger of tongue." Holly misunderstands the numbers bit, and Jess ends up forheading the same number as Nick. What a cooler.
Jess, in a bra and a skirt, must kiss Nick to be let out from behind the heavy door. The two send a kiss-on-the-cheek photo as proof, which prompts a "Come on Inspector Gadget, inspect those tonsils!" from Winston. Schmidt takes advantage of the opportunity and tells Holly of his sad breakup story from Cece, to which Nick retorts with a "Holly! He's really happy! He's got a 401K and a six-pack!"
Unable to break away, Nick agrees to Jess' "let's suck it up and French a little" request. Man, I'm smiling like a happy hippo just writing this. They try to kiss, but every time Nick goes in for a wet one, Jess pulls back. His face is all wrong, he can't kiss with his teeth. It's hopeless.
Schmidt continues to work Holly with his sob story when Cece storms in with her date. She came to check if Jess is alright and stumbled upon this awkward scenario where she has to pretend to still love Schmidt for him to get with Holly. Also, her date calls Schmidt a small, shiny man. Highlight!
Daisy and Winston keep flirting and she tells him she's not really engaged, she's single and wears the ring to bars so guys don't bother her. They kiss. Behind the iron curtain, Jess admits to being a "cooler," thought in her opinion Nick is his own cooler 70% of the time. "Some basic grooming, Nick, and you'd be smoking hot," she says. Nick thanks her, and just as they share a moment (swoon), Sam knocks on the door to find out if she's okay, having received her messages. When he learns why she and Nick are in there, he joins in on the "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" chant.
In the room, Jess tries to press Nick into kissing her to "get this over with." He argues, she pushes harder, and he snaps: "No, not like this!" Jess is taken aback by the response, Nick doesn't seem to articulate what he meant, and in a desperate attempt to recover/escape the situation, he climbs out the window. He walks on the ledge to the living room, where the stunned group -- and a fainted Schmidt -- let him in.
A dewy-eyed Schmidt and a stern looking Winston sit Nick down for a talk about that scare of his, but soon part ways to join their respective lady friends in their rooms. Jess (still shirtless) walks in with Sam to wish Nick a good night, and Sam jokingly tells Nick he doesn't know what he missed by not kissing Jess.
Fast forward a couple hours and Jess, disheveled and in a bathrobe (hint: sexy), wakes up from hearing those scratches at the door again. She wakes Nick, who finds a dog at the door (see, not the pipes, Nick. Not the pipes!). The dog's owner, their neighbor, is the one who ordered the coat Nick now apparently sleeps in and asks for it back.
The two head back to their rooms.
Jess: "Well, I guess the old Nick is back, huh?"
Nick: "Yeah, I'm gonna miss trench-coat Nick. He was pretty great."
Jess: "I might miss him."
Nick: "I liked him. He had guts."
Jess: "It was a woman's coat. Good night, Nick."
Nick: "Good night."
Nick, in a surprise move that has been anticipated since season 1, episode 1, pulls Jess in just as she turns her back. They kiss. No. They really, really kiss. 12 seconds. I counted.
Nick: "I meant something like that."
You may continue squealing.
"New Girl" airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. EST on FOX.