04/14/2014 06:00 pm ET Updated Jun 10, 2014

Tribeca Film Fest Sucks! No, It Doesn't

New Yorkers have it good. I'll say nothing more on this. You like my title, don't you? It reeks of jealousy. I won't be there this year. Damn. Tribeca Film Fest sucks anyway. No, it doesn't. It really doesn't.

I was on my way back from Yankee Stadium on the final day of the festival last year. Fate. A guy standing outside one of the cinemas had seen one too many films and couldn't stomach another. I took his ticket. He asked me if I had heard the warning. No, I hadn't. Do films come with warnings? This one did. I was told it would be the most brilliant film I had ever seen, and also the most devastating. Well, start the damn film already. I want devastation. Now!

The film ended. Still in my seat, unable to breathe properly I turned to my right and saw scores of people howling at the credits. Brilliance and devastation -- 90 minutes of it. I wanted more. I walked back to my hotel thinking about the film I had just seen. If it had this effect on me, surely it would have the same on others. I called a friend and told them about this film. I said, mark my words, this film will take top honors at the next Academy Awards. It has to.

It didn't.

Tribeca Film Fest sucks. No, it doesn't. I wish I was attending this year. Mostly to see Amanda F***ing Palmer hit the rocks and Brad getting circumcised. Who wouldn't want to see Brad getting circumcised?! A storyteller's paradise. I'm most upset how innovative Innovation Week looks. A place for gamers, coders, hackers, screenwriters, futurists, directors, financiers and anyone who has a story to tell. Is what they tell me. Makes me want to throw up. I mean, how can you not want to attend every film, every talk, every event at the fest? I know the fest sucks, but it doesn't.

I'm a storyteller first and foremost and New York for me is a story. I remember my first time in New York City. I remember the magical experience of sitting at the Cafe Carlyle watching Woody Allen tearing it up with his band. I wonder if he still plays there.

I remember the first time I was in New York City, walking into Greenwich Village, picking up a book about Bob Dylan and not leaving the village until I had read it from cover to cover. This will make such a great film I thought.

Or the giant meatball sandwich I got given on my first walk through Little Italy. New York Sucks. No, it doesn't.

To everyone attending the 2014 Tribeca Film Festival -- lap it up, have a blast and let me know which films blew your mind! So many did for me in 2013. I will never miss another festival. I would be stupid to. Even though it sucks. No, it doesn't.