03/01/2012 12:06 pm ET Updated May 01, 2012

Nobody Expects... the Scientific Inquisition!

From Rick Santorum's perspective I am the embodiment of the forces of evil that are undermining the faith of our youth: I am a liberal college professor. Worse, I am a scientist who believes that evolution is beyond even the most unreasonable doubt and that global warning is upon us and is the result of human activity. I am a godless elitist who treasures rational thought rather than reactionary, belligerent demagoguery. But that is about to change.

Senator Santorum's leadership has shown me the error of my ways. Scientists must learn from the Church and fundamentally change their approach to society. No more liberalism! We need uncompromising authority. We need to establish standards of scientific knowledge and belief and create a Scientific Inquisitor and the Scientific Inquisition, whose purpose is to keep the purity of the Doctrines of Science. As Monty Python suggests, our tools will be fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to experiments, and nice lab coats.

A crucial first step is to create scientific excommunication for heretical statements and practices that directly violate the Doctrines of Science. The excommunicated will be denied all the Sacraments of Science that have been developed over the last 2,000 years: electricity, gas, modern medicine, dentistry, water purification, modern fabrics, and flushing toilets. They will have to lead a truly biblical life as they contemplate their folly.

Universities will require their graduates to swear an oath to uphold the Doctrines of Science and to shun the excommunicated. Graduate students and post-docs will gather data on suspicious and potentially heretical activity. Tenured professors will be empowered to convene, and sit in judgment on, inquisitorial courts and their investigations. We will bring back a method of Torquemada's that is also approved by Rick Santorum for discovering a person's true nature: waterboarding. Indeed, officers of the Inquisition will even be exempt from the application of reason and logic and allowed to use Colbert's truthiness standard, because heresy is so difficult to prove by constitutional and deductive methods.

The worst offenders may have to be imprisoned in a college and reeducated by subjecting them to 80 hours of lectures a week by the most learned but tedious professors. There will be endless homework sets, and the only book the excommunicant may have for comfort is On the Origin of Species. The excommunicant will sleep in lecture halls with An Inconvenient Truth playing on a perpetual loop. The truly unrepentant will not be burnt at the stake but marooned on a Pacific atoll until they either evolve into a more responsible life form or are rendered extinct by the effects of global warming.

There have been many scientific revolutions over the centuries, but this one will be the most meaningful for humanity. All those who believe in reason, logic, and the human mind must depose the troglodytes and seek the righteous illumination and truth that only science can provide. Fiat lux!