THE BLOG
12/15/2011 10:27 am ET Updated Feb 14, 2012

Happy Hollywood 2011

PRODUCER

Hey, look who it is: Exec of the Year. I thought I might run into you at one of these holiday things.

EXECUTIVE
This is our Christmas party. How did you get on the lot? This is just for studio employ--

PRODUCER
Found a way. I'm a producer, man. Gotta be scrappy these days. Gotta infiltrate. Think like an exec. Anyhow. Pretty good spread here. Nice to be outside, right? Not too cold tonight.

EXECUTIVE
Whatever. I'm just grabbing some food and I'll --

PRODUCER
There you go. Fill up the plate. You got your cheese, your crackers, got a little, what, guacamole there. Put it all together. That's what I gotta do too. That's 2011. All about the whole package. Whole plate. No pitches. Right? I can't send you a naked script. Script just starts the process. Then I gotta attach a director. Interest a big actor. Basically I gotta put together the whole movie for you, then hand it to you, and then we can start to talk. Am I right?

EXECUTIVE
Listen, dude, I'm just trying to get a drin--

PRODUCER
I'm not complaining. That's been the biz in 2011. Hell, that's how you and I got Switcheroo going.

EXECUTIVE
What's Switcheroo?

PRODUCER
Our body-switching comedy. Brother and sister. Arguing in car. Hurricane. Wire down. Boom. Thing I sent you right before Change Up came out. Which killed ours. Totally get that. And then Sandler with his brother-sister thing. Ka-blam.

EXECUTIVE
I don't remember Switcheroo.

PRODUCER
That's probably because it wasn't New Year's Eve. Didn't have a hundred actors in it. Like The Muppets. Cast of thousands. Big dance numbers. That's the way I should have gone with it. Should have attached a hundred people. Or at least a hundred puppets. Puppets will do fucking anything.

EXECUTIVE
Wait: a hundred people switch bodies?

PRODUCER
You like that? I can have that for you tomorrow.

EXECUTIVE
No, I don't like that. I'm just say-

PRODUCER
Course you don't. 'Cause you're going spare these days. Stripped down. That's the new studio movie. No more Green Hornet, Green Lantern. Now it's just about green. All financial upside. Low budget, high box office. Like Drive. It's all about Drive.

EXECUTIVE
Well, Drive didn't actually -

PRODUCER
I know. It didn't, right? That movie sucked.

EXECUTIVE
No, I liked the movie. It just didn't -

PRODUCER
Me too: I loved that movie. With the whole techno vibe? The, like, driving around? And you can't knock Gosling. Crazy Stupid Love? He's our new Clooney. Ides of March? You see the look Clooney's giving him in that movie? He's all: So you're the young buck now. Fuck you. I'm doing The Descendants. I'm going old man. I'm going weepy old man. I'm running in flip-flops. Catch me now, motherfucker.
(beat)
I got a project with Gosling.

EXECUTIVE
You do?

PRODUCER
Yep. He's reading something of mine right now. Or his people are. Or, whatever, their assistants. Contained thriller. All upside, like we're talking about. You should read it. It's like Tower Heist. Wait, no, not like Tower Heist. It's like The Help. Opens solid, strong in the heartland, good legs.

EXECUTIVE
I thought you said it was a thriller.

PRODUCER
It is. I'm just saying it might be something for Emma Stone. 'Cause I know you guys are nuts for Emma Stone. Or Mila Kunis. S'all about Emma or Mila. Right? Kunis or Stone. Stunis. Kone. Or Melissa McCarthy. You'll see. I'll give you the script. It's in my car right there.

EXECUTIVE
That's your car? I don't think you're supposed to park--

PRODUCER
Because it's all about the box office. I'm totally with you there. Can't pull a J. Edgar. Tree of Life. That shit is awful. That's just not a --

EXECUTIVE
I liked Tree of Life.

PRODUCER
Me too. You kidding? Loved that shit. It was like a slide show from God. I'm glad to hear you say that, 'cause this script is totally Terrence Malick. Got Terrence at the helm, got Gosling and Melissa McCarthy, do it for a low budget, all upside.

EXECUTIVE
But you don't have any of those people.

PRODUCER
Oh, I'll get them. I'm a scrapper. I get people onboard. Got the exec onboard, right?

EXECUTIVE
Don't put your arm around me. What are you--

PRODUCER
Gotta put it all together. Whole package.

EXECUTIVE
Hey -- get off me, man. I'm not going in your car. Don't open the door. Get your arm -- mfff.

PRODUCER
There you go. Right in there. Watch your head.
(slams car door)
Everyone's onboard.

PASSING EXECUTIVE
Happy 2012!

PRODUCER
(getting in car)
Right back atcha, baby.