04/23/2014 05:55 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Clear the Smoke, I'm Coming Through

Lately I'm beginning to feel like a minority in the lesbian community. As an African American lesbian it's very rare to find a woman who likes to date slim women. Thick women are all the rage. And if you don't date a thick sista you risk having your Black card taken from you. I am slim and I like to date slim women. There, I said it. And now I'm beginning to feel like an even smaller minority. Almost every woman I meet, correspond with or just happen upon, smokes weed. I don't smoke weed and I don't date women who do. So now my dating pool has become that much smaller.

Navigating the lesbian dating scene in the African American community can be treacherous. You have to be thick or overweight. If you are slim you have to be light skinned or mixed, have 'good' hair, a six pack and light eyes. You have to believe in Christianity. You have to dress very well. Every day. You can't be going through hard times. You have to have money. You have to be confident all the time and if you're not, just fake it. You have to adhere to strict rules regarding being a stud and being a femme. Quite frankly, it can be exhausting. Now add to this incredibly long list the fact that I like my woman to be sober and you can understand how daunting my dating experience can be.

I have heard everything about why it is they smoke. The folks who tout the health benefits, specifically for cancer, lupus and MS, have none of those diseases. I have yet to meet anyone who is honest enough to say, 'I just like to get high'. Don't use excuses. I don't use an excuse when I drink my beer.

I tried dating a woman who smoked weed and it was a nightmare. First off, she didn't tell me she smoked until after we made it official. I noticed she would change her clothes and brush her teeth whenever we got cozy on the couch. One day she slipped up one day and forgot. Her clothes reeked and her breath was unforgivable. Besides the hygiene issues I found myself having to repeat things more than once. I first thought she had a hearing disability. Then I realized the weed had her 'stuck' so she couldn't concentrate. Never again!

I can't be with a woman who is constantly under the influence. If I ask you a question, is it you answering or the weed? Will you even answer? I need a woman who is present. Her smoking weed all day would be the equivalent of a woman constantly being drunk. You never meet the real woman because she's perpetually under the influence.

I can't be with a woman who needs to be high to deal with life. Aren't there better coping skills you can utilize? Working out, journaling, cleaning, playing online games, reading etc. Something, ANYTHING besides getting high? It would make me question how you deal with every day issues. The first sign of trouble you don't deal with it. You don't solve it. You avoid it by getting high.

Are there any sober Black lesbians left on the planet? If there are, just know you're not alone. We don't all smoke weed. Some of us are sober and ready to date!