Dirty Talk for Grammar Nerds

10/29/2015 01:16 pm ET Updated Oct 29, 2016

Appendix 1: GLOSSARY OF TERMS

Assonance Feeling of exaltation after she says she'll finally try it that way.

Dangling Modifier Penis.

Direct Speech "I want to have sex with you."

Indirect Speech "Do you want to come up for a drink?"

Fragmentary Response What men strive to avoid.

Misplaced Modifier When it goes in the wrong hole.

Object of Preposition What a woman should never be reduced to.

Passive Voice Used by those who want to be tied up and spanked.

Subordinate Clause Signed by those who prefer to use Passive Voice.

Third Person Sometimes helpful for spicing things up.

Unvoiced Sounds "I could really use a ham sandwich right now."

Voiced Sounds "Yes, yes, yes, YES!"

 

Appendix 2: SAMPLE DIALOGUE

"You sure you're in the Imperative Mood tonight, baby?"

"Appositive. Now take out that Dangling Modifier and Compound me hard."

**

"My Interjection . . . shit . . . I swear I don't usually have a Fragmentary Response . . ."

"It's ok, you're probably just Tense. Maybe we should introduce a Third Person?"

**

"Take off that Article of clothing. You know I love you in the Bare Infinitive."

 

Appendix 3: SYMBOL GUIDE

^^ Boobs

<< Side boob

() Vagina

> Penis

>() Straight Sex

>> Gay sex

()() Lesbian sex

()>() / >()> / >>> / ()()() Threesome options

@>() Skype sex

#>() Phone sex

©>() Marital sex

- Vanilla

~ Kinky

Ó One orgasm

Ô Two orgasms

Ø Not happening