THE BLOG
08/31/2011 04:49 pm ET Updated Oct 31, 2011

Not a Loner, Just Socially Inept ...

Alright I admit I'm a bit of a loner, but not by choice... It just sort of happened that way and although I've made attempts to blend in I still can't seem to blend in well enough with people my own age.

I know a lot of it has to do with my LD and not being able to read social cues because when I get around people my own age, I start to feel like a third wheel and clam up, or I start to joke around and they look at me like I'm not of this planet.

I admit I'm not built like every other girl, I have thick hair, coke bottle glasses and have a pumpkin face in an age where everyone aspires to be Kim Karadashian.

I grew up around adults being an old child so I don't have a clue but when I was 15 and was put into private high school, I did get to be friends with kids my own age but on some level, I was a little more mature and had more street sense and a little bit more education than the others but that was fine I was right along with them in everything and so I did stupid teenage stuff, had my rebellion and was fine until I went off to college

I had made a decision when I was around 15, I was never going to follow the trends. I was going to be my own person and make sure to always follow my instincts and to set my own trends regarding everything; movies, music, clothes, even books, and my beliefs. Why should I follow a trend that I don't even like, just to fit in?

But in striking a blow for my independence, I lost perspective on what true friendship was or even the meaning, and after a while I didn't even care. I was so wrapped up in my depression and just trying to survive that I didn't want friends.

In College, suddenly, it was like I was back in sixth grade, I wasn't the cool kid anymore I was back to being the geek girl, and misery came sweeping in. I didn't feel like I could connect with anyone on any subject except my roommate, so I hung out with her mainly because she was cool and we could laugh about anything, especially those who didn't think we were worth a damn.

After college I lost touch with my high school friends, except through Facebook. Even now, I still feel like I'm socially inept because things come up that I want to go to and don't have anyone to go with, so I go alone, movies, concerts whatever. I feel like a complete loser, like I'm so pathetic I don't have any friends or even a boyfriend to go places with. However...

When I have made plans with friends, I usually wind up stuck, meaning I get ditched, I even made plans for months with a former best friend to go to a John Mayer concert, but the day of the concert came and she never called or showed up. I ended up having to drag my father who kept saying "Who's this joker?"

I do have a few loyal friends who will show up on time and not flake out... After that I decided to go with my cousins because they are not as unreliable.

So I choose to go it alone, it doesn't mean I don't feel great about it, but I figure if I don't go solo I won't at all and after a while it won't make a difference.

That's not to say I don't have a good time with my High School friends or go on dates, because I do. I just don't feel 26 around them, I turn back into that pain-in-the ass 16 year-old. All maturity ceases and dating is the same as well.

I also discovered after getting sick who my real friends were; the ones who show concern and the ones who immediately offered up donations of blood and bone marrow if necessary; the ones who could see I was struggling with this illness and the toll it was taking.

I think part of the problem relating to other 26 year olds is that I don't drink, the idea of getting smashed and acting like a moron is unappealing, so I don't go to bars or clubs. Plus in this day and age of creeps and perverts, I don't want to be put into a situation I can't talk myself out of.

I know that when I do get a job, I'll be around people who will hopefully share the same interests, but until then I'll just do things solo and feel good about myself.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of apologizing for my mistakes or behavior.

So tell me, do you feel comfortable with your independence or do you feel like your constantly surrounded with people?