04/03/2014 05:23 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

5 Hotel Room Paranoias We All Have


The Paranoia: While I'm away, the cleaning lady has access to everything. For all I know, she's going through my suitcase, wearing all my clothes and doing impressions of me in front of the mirror. She's looking in the bathroom for embarrassing medicines I might have brought, she's trying to guess the code to the safe, and obviously she takes a nap in the bed.

The Reality: If the cleaning lady did half the things I think she does in my room, she wouldn't get more than two rooms done the entire day. In reality, she wipes the bathroom sink for five seconds, puts some new towels in and leaves. Although, while she's tucking the sheets back in she probably is judging me for messing them up.


The Paranoia: Oh, this coke I bought at the grocery store outside is so refreshing. Wait! Did I really buy it at the grocery store? Maybe this is the coke from the minibar? Oh no, it's going to cost me a fortune. Better check if it's all there. Oh, okay. The minibar coke is still in there. But weren't there three water bottles when I got here? Did I drink a minibar water bottle in the middle of the night? Shit, I must be sleep walking again. Oh, there were only two bottles. I remember now. But what's that stuck in my teeth? Please tell me it's not cashews!

The Reality: It doesn't really cost that much, you cheap bastard.


The Paranoia: My room is wired with cameras. Above the bed, in the shower, inside the closet. I'm being filmed the entire time, for the amusement of some sick individual who enjoys watching people in their most intimate moments. My entire stay in this hotel is probably going to end up on some weird voyeur website. Better stay clothed the entire time and not shower or use the bathroom even once.

The Reality: Nobody wants to see that. Seriously, no one.


The Paranoia: Oh my god, this season five episode of The Simpsons dubbed in german is so funny! Hold on, is this a free channel? Am I watching one of those in-room channels that are going to appear on my bill at the end of my stay? How long have I been watching this? I think I left the TV on when I went out this morning, too. It's probably been billing me for hours. What if they aired some kind of insane porno while I fell asleep earlier? The girl at reception will know I watched it! And she was kind of cute.

The Reality: Pay-per-view channels are going to have a permission screen, and you will have to actively order something if you want to watch it. You can't just see it by mistake. Also, the cute girl at reception isn't interested in you no matter what you watched.


The Paranoia: I put the "do not disturb" sign outside, but what if it falls off? Those things are so thin, it doesn't take more than someone walking past it in the hall to blow it over. Now any hotel staff member could just walk in and see me. And what if someone at reception makes a mistake and gives away my room key to another person? Literally any guest might be walking in here at any moment. I'll never have privacy again.

The Reality: That's actually pretty accurate. Trust nothing.