03/26/2012 01:47 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Tony Gore for President

Like a bad case of herpes, the nasty political season rages on. Antiviral medicine like Valtrex is typically recommended for treating outbreaks, but that was before Super PACs made the infection even more powerful. Political attacks ads have significantly increased the contagion risk of name calling and it is clear that no matter who wins this election, the victory will be Machiavellian.

In a brokered Republican convention, Newt Gingrich's position would resemble Abraham Lincoln's in 1860. Whether or not Newt would free the slaves or simply sign a pledge to build a double fence around all plantations is unclear. I'm not saying he's a racist. Although MSNBC's Chris Matthews did say Gingrich might have spoken in racial code during key moments in a January debate. Is speaking in racial code the same as being kinda pregnant? What do we call the black guy who lives in the White House? THE PRESIDENT. WE CALL HIM THE F@CKING PRESIDENT.

Do we really need to argue everything? That's what the whole political discussion sounds like, at least to me. Seedless grapes are really invertebrates. War is really about who's left, right? Political correctness really applies to comedians, not politicians. Statements are funny. Jokes are real. Jill is suing Jack for not disclosing he owned a bean stalk. While Jack is insisting that he lives at the bottom of the hill and does not know anyone or anything about bean stalks.

Consider this my gratuitously opportunistic departure from the moral high ground. I want to walk amongst the people. I want to enjoy life. I want to laugh. In fact, I'm voting for whoever makes me laugh. That's what I need most right now. From now on I'm judging candidates the same way I do homeless people. If you have a funny sign you get money from me. If you don't, you get nothing.

Last time around, words like Hope and Change beat Maverick and Joe the Plumber. This time I want jokes. In the end, no matter what candidates say, by the time the winner takes office, everything we were promised will be just that - a joke. Cynical much? Yes. Angry much? Yes. Laugh much? Not nearly enough. Ding ding ding! We have a winner.


Number 8: Free Pie for Everybody.

Genius. Pie will most definitely win a swing vote.

With that in mind I've been searching for my kind of candidate. I think I found him. Tony Gore is the only candidate willing to talk about the real problems facing America.

Check out the following editorial that I copied and pasted verbatim from his site:

America faces several problems today. There's illiteracy, teen pregnancy, gun violence, but I'm gonna tell you what's the real problem is. We ain't got no damn sammich shops. Where can an illiterate pregnant teenager with who just got shot get buy a sammich? The rich peoples gots the quizmo's and the whatchmacallit. What they think we don't like sammiches?! I like sammichs. I like reuben and egg salad and Philly steak on pimento cheese. I like cucumber, grill cheese, BLT, onion sammich, corn chip and mayo, PB and J, corn beef reuben, fried bologna, friend bologna with mustard, friend bologna with cheese, and it could be any kind of cheese, it could be gouda, it could be swiss, it could be pimento loaf, pepper jack, uh rah, any kind of.. or green, you could put the greens on it, I like lettuce myself but some peoples prefer romaine, iceberg, kale, spinach...

His qualifications are simple and easy to understand: "Anybody but Obama" and I'm not Obama.

Mister Gore is running as a Sweet Tea Party candidate. He supports the Tea Party. The Occupy Movement. The NRA. The NRDC, NCAA, NAACP, NBA, NBC, NFL, NWA, NHL, NPR, CDC, BDP, BET, OPP yeah you know me, PE, CFL, MTV, VH-1, ABC, IRC, CBS, GE, CMT, etc. And most importantly he is a lover of God, Country, women and sushi wrapped in American Uncle Ben's minute rice. And Mister Gore does not care that if you put a little on Uncle Ben he'd look just like the Honorable Elijah Mohammed or comedian John Witherspoon.

And here's his recent editorial on the jobs crisis:

To learn more visit

# VoteTonyGore4President.