Here's the Outspeak roundup of the top five news stories you need to know for your Starbucks break. Or whatever.
1. Pope Francis imbues Catholic priests with the power to forgive women who have had abortions. The confessionals will be packed full of "baby murderers", we're sure. More here.
2. Donald Trump meets with foreign diplomats to discuss future room rates at Trump Tower rather than policy. The man has his crooked priorities. More here.
3. Trump took to Twitter to attack the Hamilton cast. Cultural elites got angry at the theatre for their "rude" behaviour, rather than concerning themselves with the payout over the Trump University fraud. More here.
4. Peaceful protesters trying to restore access to services at Standing Rock were blasted with tear gas and water canons by police in the early hours of Monday morning. Confirmation that our services care more about oil than humans. Happy Monday! More here.
5. Kanye West continues to descend into madness by stopping a concert to outline his 2020 presidential platform while standing on a literal platform. This morning, he canceled the rest of his tour. He also uploaded 99 photos to Instagram yesterday. More here.