05/13/2011 06:14 pm ET Updated Jul 13, 2011

Facebook Execs Slash Google Execs' Tires

Following the news that Facebook had engaged a public relations agency to plant anti-Google stories in the media, inside sources revealed today that Facebook executives also have been attacking Google executives personally.

Anonymous Facebook employees said that top Facebook executives, like CEO Mark Zuckerberg, VP of Product Christopher Cox and Chief Technology Officer Bret Taylor, have been slashing the tires of Google executives' cars, lighting paper bags full of animal feces and leaving them on Google executives' doorsteps, keying their cars, and prank-calling them at random intervals.

"One day, Larry Page walked into his office to find his desk and computer bolted to the ceiling," said the CEO's assistant. "I don't know how the Facebook guys managed it. It's a tiled ceiling."

The feud between Facebook and Google has grown in accordance with the competition for online advertising dollars. This year, Facebook surpassed Google as the most trafficked website on the Internet.

"If a flat tire or a wallet in a vending machine slows Page down for an hour or two, that's worth millions of dollars," said Zuckerberg. "Yeah, that's our long-term strategy: fuck with them."

When asked if he would ever retaliate, Mr. Page said that he would but that, ironically, he has never been able to find them.

Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.